Emotional Reboot

December 25, 2021

I think this is what happened as a result of my visit last weekend.

I now feel like… Well.. Me..

i feel like ME

As y’all know know, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral the last few months. I knew it. I could feel it. I tried to get ahead of it. But with covid, health care resources are either unavailable or severely behind. So I still have 6-8 months untill councelling may be available with my previous councillor, Fran. The rest are just as backed up. .

So Friday I hit a bottom.. A mental health bottom, but not the ultimate bottom, but close to.

On Saturday I didn’t feel as mopey, as tired, an emotional unstable, unhinged as I was on Friday.. Now that could be because I was focused on getting my meds sorted out. Or, it could have my brain processing now that most of the distractions were gone.

On Sunday I was feeling decent, emotionally.. definitely better than I had been for the last month or so.. I was starting to get a little ansy about being in when I still had not seen *anyone* to talk to.. plus I was severely missing Lilly. & I missed my soccer game I was starting to get annoyed.

Monday, I was back a somewhat normal frame of mind. No dark thoughts. Missing Lilly terribly. Wanting my own bed.. Wanting control back over my meds. I was stable, balanced, calm, almost. I am animate that if I didn’t see someone before the hold was up, I was leaving, even AMA.

As you know by my previous post, I was discharged that night.


Since then I have completed reverted back to ME. My Brain no long hurting. My mood is calm and relaxed. My body is no longer tense. I have an interest in Christmas. I have an almost normal appetite. I feel happy, positive, enthusiastic and we’ll.. Happy!

I dont know how or why it happened, but I am eternally grateful that it did happen..

Merry Christmas

December 25, 2021
And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night

Things Got Better

December 21, 2021

Since my last post, the new nurse Christine was able to get my meds to where they were supposed to be for the most part. I will be eternally grateful for that.

Unfortunately, real damage was done in the way of pain.. Fortunately, I do see Dr Sith tomorrow.

But the brightest moment of this 72-hour hold was today at about 6 in the evening when I heard a voice. It was a woman’s voice. She had a Jamaican lilt to her voice. I placed her immediately as being *my* psychiatrist I walk towards her voice and she was in a room talking with a patient but she looked up at me and despite the mask and my weight loss she recognized me immediately and then saw a surprise on her face.

But she’s my doctor and I’ve been in her practice for almost 5 years. She is familiar with what’s going on with me and my history so I was super comfortable at that point. I took a deep breath and was able to relax.

A half an hour later, she and the nurse came down to my room and we discussed what caused me to come into the ER.. She wanted to know how I got to the ER.. We talked about how I was feeling and feeling out my.state of mind.. She asked me why I was so animate about leaving as soon as the hold was up.. She reacquainted herself with my home situation.. We discussed my weight loss – cuz it has been 2 years since she’s seen me & I’m definitely smaller. She asked me what I thought she could help with..

Apparently, she liked what she heard and she discharged me. WITH a meds change, which is really all I wanted.. That and to actually have an appointment set up with her which got done earlier as well. 🙂

Am I still pissed about how things went down?? Definitely. Am I happy with the final result? Absolutely!

Crash & burn & burn some more.

December 19, 2021

I went to Lakeridge Health to get help on Friday. But for the most part I’ve been screwed.

It’s Sunday & other than a 15-20 minute chat with the doc in the ER, I’ve seen no physician. The on call shrink who prescribed my meds has completely screwed me over I missed THREE doses of my antidepressant – which given that I’m here for mental health is excruciatingly bad. Finally back on as of this morning I was given a muscle relaxer & a Tylenol three on Friday in the ex for my fibro and that’s it.. nothing since.. but she did prescribed a Parkinson’s med for muscle spasms – huh? So my pain is skyrocketing… & It’s not freaking muscle spasms. & Have not been given any arthrotec (antiinflammatory) that I also take.. You should see my ankle from hurting it almost 2 weeks ago.. it’s exploded cuz I’m not treating the swelling

I have finally gotten the last nurse on the last shift to finally reach out to the doc to get something prescribed & his replacement is actually being more diligent & she has followed up twice now..

Then add to that my sleep.. while long, there was very little deep or REM sleep, so not much healing sleep here either

But God. This is the worst experience. Worse than being sent back home with my ex after a major OD (my ex was why I’d OD’d).


I dont know if I’m going to be able to get my shopping done for Christmas, let alone my baking.


This is supposed to be helping me It’s not. It’s making me worse

A Time Out

December 10, 2021

Alot has been going on personally which is severely impacting my health. I have to cut back, temporarily on some things.

Temporarily M I A

In addition to my blog which is already behind anyways, most of my social media will be going darkish, or at least not active. I’m hoping this only will last a few days. If not I will at least be checking in.

Until then, are there any topics you would like me to touch on?

New Level of Weight Loss

December 3, 2021

In the Winter of 2012, I stepped on the scale at my pain physician’s office, CPM Scarborough and was flabbergasted when the number came up. 303.6. I was absolutely horrified.

From there I started to eat less and to get moving more and slowly over the years, the weight has slowly and consistently, bar some plateaus, come off..

While my regular pain physician is no longer in that office, I do, in the winter, see her colleague in that Scarborough location This Wednesday I stepped on that same scale that years ago said 303.6.

It read 189.2.

Do you know what that means? As it is the same scale, it means I have lost 114½ pounds so far.

Do you know what else that means? I’m at high school weight. No just able to fit in high school clothes, but the actual numbers?! I’ve not been this light since I graduated highschool. At the end of Grade 13 I was 191lb. So I am about the same weight I was in my highschool graduations pictures .

I’m the same weight, give or take, in these 2 pictures..

Ended

December 2, 2021

I apologize for missing my last post. Things were finally discussed and the solution is for me to step back.. So he & I are no longer “involved”, right now.. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that I expected this to be a potentially temporary situation. It he & I get to a better places, then maybe the intimacy can resume.

So, right now we are back to friends. Maybe I can handle it & we just remain good friends. Maybe I can’t handle & completely move away from any relationship.. Maybe things work out & we get back together.. Maybe I find someone else and I move on..

We will see.


Please be advised, I may, or may not be posting as regular as normal over the next few weeks .

Tracking the Possible Side Effects of Your Prescriptions

November 26, 2021

I am pretty sure, most of us when we get a new medication do go through the drug information as well as discussion with our doctor about the side effects of the med. But keep this information because side effects can happen at any time..

There are at least three situations I can think of where it could be very important. I know two from personal experience:

  1. You can adapt to the medication over time and the side effects can creep in as you’re adapting. For me, it happened twice. I was on Celexa for several months before the side effect of abdominal pain started creeping in.. Because it had been a few months we, nor my doctor or I, didn’t associate a possible side effect from a medication to the pain. I was also on fentanyl and didn’t even notice the side effect of a decreased libido as it slowly crept in. I thought it was part of getting older. until I came off the medication & return to the level of high school..
  2. Dosage changes can also impact. With the increase in medication to help treat something you can also increase the risk of side effects. I had this happen with Cymbalta. Well it didn’t help me with my pain it was helping me with my mental health but we had to shift it up one level. This shift did the same thing as my fentanyl just took alot faster. Zero libido kicked in after only 2 days.
  3. Other Interactions. It is entirely possible for medications to interact with other substances. Yes, the big one would be other prescription medications, there’s a possibility of interacting with over the counter medications, supplements of all sorts or foods even. So if you are having side effects, if you made any changes in any of these, take that into consideration. But the side effect might be from the food or the supplement or the new med, but the side effect could also be from the initial medication or worse a combination of more than two.

So, Yeah. Keep as eye on your side effects if there are changes, even if you’ve been on it for a while. Unfortunately, the third situation is the most convoluted one to sort out.

Flaring! Flaring bad!

November 23, 2021

Yesterday was the perfect storm. Everything conspired against me.

  1. Poor Sleep. According to my fitbit, for the last several weeks, I’ve been getting usually between 4 & 6 hours of sleep a night, average rating poor-fair. There’s the occasional longer, better sleep in there, but not often..
  2. Forgotten Medication. When I left for the cottage early this morning, I forgot all my meds at home. Admittedly I didn’t need them all today, but there are certain ones that I do have to take at certain times for them to be effective. Unfortunately, those got left at home. I did have limited or weaker alternatives which I suppose is better than nothing.
  3. Emotional Stress. I am currently having problems with my current relationship. I’m not sure if it’s something I can handle and accept or not, so there’s alot going on there..
  4. Poor Diet. Due to the aforementioned stress, I haven’t been eating.. I haven’t been eating well & I haven’t been eating much. Neither is good, both is worse.
  5. Activity. Spent the day in bed.. with my boyfriend, not sleeping. While this is usually a good thing, due to stress, I was unable to truely relax and enjoy it. So I was getting the workout without all the longer term benefits
  6. Physical Stress. After I’d started going down hill, I had a horrible drive home. What would normally be a nice relaxing 1½ hour drive home from the cottage turned into a 3+hour nightmare. Between accidents causing an entire highway to shut down for over 14hrs, excessive detours, multiple accidents on said detours, snow.. The body begins to tense up more & more & more.. and with me being in the car I wasn’t able to like stretch or anything creating more physical stress

For the first time in over 3 years, my pain turned to a solid 8/10.

After 2+ hours, 4 Tylenol3, 4 muscle relaxers, an anti-inflammatory, my CBD oil, prescription edibles, and a backrub with A535.. the edge started to come off, but I also started feeling the effects of over medication too..

I just can’t win..

Relationships

November 18, 2021

This is a very personal topic & I know some will be ticked off to hear of my relationship status . While this post does touch on the topic of polyamory, every negative comment will me removed. Immediately. So if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all…


I am in an open relationship. I have one partner, however, he has recent started another relationship and I’ve been having alot of problems processing.. So for the last month I’ve been living with my stomach in knots

Part of the issue is super poor communication. But part of it appears to be mental health.

After I left Rob, I had alot & I mean alot of councilling.. Probably for close to a year when I started to feel comfortable in my own skin again..

It seems that there is one area that we did not touch upon and that is my self-esteem and self worth issues in regards to personal, intimate relationships.

Previous relationships since Rob have been superficial at best. I’ve seen several guys in the last few years, but one has stuck. I’ve known him since April 2018 and we’ve become super close. He and I, before he met his other partner, we just starting to get serious. Just bad timing on that I think.

Over the last month there has been very poor communication. Part of that is poor communication skills and part of it is him not understanding his feelings quite yet.. and because of that he was unable to express himself well..

We’ve had many conversations over the last month’s & every time we talk I think we’ve established where we are and then something gets said and I spiral down.. and considering how strong I feel for him I went down and down hard & few times. I’ve ended things with him 3 times this month but I guess I I’m a glutton for punishment because the same thing happened four weeks in a row.

Over the last few days we’ve been able to meet in person and finally have a truly open and honest conversation. I told him where I stand emotionally…

So as it stands he is emotionally committed to both of us and wishes to focus on his new relationship but has realized that he can’t start neglecting me or stop communicating with me or work on our relationship.

He has a relationship with her and he has a relationship with me.. Those relationships don’t have to cross or compete.. that’s part of my own issue of perception but we’ve apparently both felt this and because he wasn’t communicating the same thing to both of us.. So he is going to continue working on his relationship with her but at this time same time he is going to continue working on his relationship with me.