Emotional Reboot

I think this is what happened as a result of my visit last weekend.

I now feel like… Well.. Me..

^{i feel like ME}

As y’all know know, I’ve been on a bit of a downward spiral the last few months. I knew it. I could feel it. I tried to get ahead of it. But with covid, health care resources are either unavailable or severely behind. So I still have 6-8 months untill councelling may be available with my previous councillor, Fran. The rest are just as backed up. .

So Friday I hit a bottom.. A mental health bottom, but not the ultimate bottom, but close to.

On Saturday I didn’t feel as mopey, as tired, an emotional unstable, unhinged as I was on Friday.. Now that could be because I was focused on getting my meds sorted out. Or, it could have my brain processing now that most of the distractions were gone.

On Sunday I was feeling decent, emotionally.. definitely better than I had been for the last month or so.. I was starting to get a little ansy about being in when I still had not seen *anyone* to talk to.. plus I was severely missing Lilly. & I missed my soccer game I was starting to get annoyed.

Monday, I was back a somewhat normal frame of mind. No dark thoughts. Missing Lilly terribly. Wanting my own bed.. Wanting control back over my meds. I was stable, balanced, calm, almost. I am animate that if I didn’t see someone before the hold was up, I was leaving, even AMA.

As you know by my previous post, I was discharged that night.

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Since then I have completed reverted back to ME. My Brain no long hurting. My mood is calm and relaxed. My body is no longer tense. I have an interest in Christmas. I have an almost normal appetite. I feel happy, positive, enthusiastic and we’ll.. Happy!

I dont know how or why it happened, but I am eternally grateful that it did happen..

Merry Christmas

^{And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to All and to All a Good Night}

Things Got Better

Since my last post, the new nurse Christine was able to get my meds to where they were supposed to be for the most part. I will be eternally grateful for that.

Unfortunately, real damage was done in the way of pain.. Fortunately, I do see Dr Sith tomorrow.

But the brightest moment of this 72-hour hold was today at about 6 in the evening when I heard a voice. It was a woman’s voice. She had a Jamaican lilt to her voice. I placed her immediately as being *my* psychiatrist I walk towards her voice and she was in a room talking with a patient but she looked up at me and despite the mask and my weight loss she recognized me immediately and then saw a surprise on her face.

But she’s my doctor and I’ve been in her practice for almost 5 years. She is familiar with what’s going on with me and my history so I was super comfortable at that point. I took a deep breath and was able to relax.

A half an hour later, she and the nurse came down to my room and we discussed what caused me to come into the ER.. She wanted to know how I got to the ER.. We talked about how I was feeling and feeling out my.state of mind.. She asked me why I was so animate about leaving as soon as the hold was up.. She reacquainted herself with my home situation.. We discussed my weight loss – cuz it has been 2 years since she’s seen me & I’m definitely smaller. She asked me what I thought she could help with..

Apparently, she liked what she heard and she discharged me. WITH a meds change, which is really all I wanted.. That and to actually have an appointment set up with her which got done earlier as well. 🙂

Am I still pissed about how things went down?? Definitely. Am I happy with the final result? Absolutely!

Crash & burn & burn some more.

I went to Lakeridge Health to get help on Friday. But for the most part I’ve been screwed.

It’s Sunday & other than a 15-20 minute chat with the doc in the ER, I’ve seen no physician. The on call shrink who prescribed my meds has completely screwed me over I missed THREE doses of my antidepressant – which given that I’m here for mental health is excruciatingly bad. Finally back on as of this morning I was given a muscle relaxer & a Tylenol three on Friday in the ex for my fibro and that’s it.. nothing since.. but she did prescribed a Parkinson’s med for muscle spasms – huh? So my pain is skyrocketing… & It’s not freaking muscle spasms. & Have not been given any arthrotec (antiinflammatory) that I also take.. You should see my ankle from hurting it almost 2 weeks ago.. it’s exploded cuz I’m not treating the swelling

I have finally gotten the last nurse on the last shift to finally reach out to the doc to get something prescribed & his replacement is actually being more diligent & she has followed up twice now..

Then add to that my sleep.. while long, there was very little deep or REM sleep, so not much healing sleep here either

But God. This is the worst experience. Worse than being sent back home with my ex after a major OD (my ex was why I’d OD’d).

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I dont know if I’m going to be able to get my shopping done for Christmas, let alone my baking.

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This is supposed to be helping me It’s not. It’s making me worse

A Time Out

Alot has been going on personally which is severely impacting my health. I have to cut back, temporarily on some things.

^{Temporarily M I A}

In addition to my blog which is already behind anyways, most of my social media will be going darkish, or at least not active. I’m hoping this only will last a few days. If not I will at least be checking in.

Until then, are there any topics you would like me to touch on?

New Level of Weight Loss

In the Winter of 2012, I stepped on the scale at my pain physician’s office, CPM Scarborough and was flabbergasted when the number came up. 303.6. I was absolutely horrified.

From there I started to eat less and to get moving more and slowly over the years, the weight has slowly and consistently, bar some plateaus, come off..

While my regular pain physician is no longer in that office, I do, in the winter, see her colleague in that Scarborough location This Wednesday I stepped on that same scale that years ago said 303.6.

It read 189.2.

Do you know what that means? As it is the same scale, it means I have lost 114½ pounds so far.

Do you know what else that means? I’m at high school weight. No just able to fit in high school clothes, but the actual numbers?! I’ve not been this light since I graduated highschool. At the end of Grade 13 I was 191lb. So I am about the same weight I was in my highschool graduations pictures .

I’m the same weight, give or take, in these 2 pictures..

Ended

I apologize for missing my last post. Things were finally discussed and the solution is for me to step back.. So he & I are no longer “involved”, right now.. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that I expected this to be a potentially temporary situation. It he & I get to a better places, then maybe the intimacy can resume.

So, right now we are back to friends. Maybe I can handle it & we just remain good friends. Maybe I can’t handle & completely move away from any relationship.. Maybe things work out & we get back together.. Maybe I find someone else and I move on..

We will see.

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Please be advised, I may, or may not be posting as regular as normal over the next few weeks .