Posts Tagged ‘Depression’

Be Kind – You Don’t Know The Struggles Of Another

December 27, 2022

A well written article from CNN about how depression, a medical condition, impacts the lives and deaths of people struggling with it. PLEASE READ.

Some particular statements I found poignant:

  • “Just because you can’t see it inside someone, doesn’t mean the pain they are experiencing isn’t real or overwhelming.”
  • “With cancer, you see people you love deteriorating on the outside. When someone struggles with mental health issues, you often don’t see it.”
  • “There’s a big difference between wanting to end your pain and wanting to end your life. But some of those who struggle with mental illness may not be able to see the difference.”
  • “Stop assuming you know what someone else’s life is like, or what it’s like to live in their head. You have no idea what somebody else’s life is like. And neither do I. You have no idea what pain or trauma a huge smile may be hiding.”

If someone has depression or even occasional suicidal ideologies, offering support instead of criticism is always the best way to go. You do not, can not, know how much someone is struggling with their demons. As Ellen says, “Be kind.”

Those who I know who should read this the most won’t even bother. They will consider themselves better even when they have struggled with their demons.

Protected: The Accumulated Issues

September 1, 2022

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Crash & burn & burn some more.

December 19, 2021

I went to Lakeridge Health to get help on Friday. But for the most part I’ve been screwed.

It’s Sunday & other than a 15-20 minute chat with the doc in the ER, I’ve seen no physician. The on call shrink who prescribed my meds has completely screwed me over I missed THREE doses of my antidepressant – which given that I’m here for mental health is excruciatingly bad. Finally back on as of this morning I was given a muscle relaxer & a Tylenol three on Friday in the ex for my fibro and that’s it.. nothing since.. but she did prescribed a Parkinson’s med for muscle spasms – huh? So my pain is skyrocketing… & It’s not freaking muscle spasms. & Have not been given any arthrotec (antiinflammatory) that I also take.. You should see my ankle from hurting it almost 2 weeks ago.. it’s exploded cuz I’m not treating the swelling

I have finally gotten the last nurse on the last shift to finally reach out to the doc to get something prescribed & his replacement is actually being more diligent & she has followed up twice now..

Then add to that my sleep.. while long, there was very little deep or REM sleep, so not much healing sleep here either

But God. This is the worst experience. Worse than being sent back home with my ex after a major OD (my ex was why I’d OD’d).


I dont know if I’m going to be able to get my shopping done for Christmas, let alone my baking.


This is supposed to be helping me It’s not. It’s making me worse

30 Facts!!

May 24, 2021

Originally written for the 25th Anniversary with 25 facts,, this is a list of things you should know, from someone with Fibromyalgia. From someone who experiences it, not just studies it. I have taken the original, modified it and added to it from *my* perspective as my experiences with fibro are not the same as hers. OP info available at the bottom.

  1. Every morning is a tough morning.
  2. I can sleep all day and still feel like I just ran a marathon.
  3. If I went out last night, I need a day or two or three to recover — its okay, it was worth it.
  4. When i’m tired, let me sleep.
  5. Certain foods make me flare up, For me that’s items like Ice cream breaded food products (like fish sticks or chicken fingers), mayo & salad dressing, KD, etc.. Some I know why, others no clue.
  6. When I’m in a flare, leave me alone in a dark room but please check in, even if I don’t answer. It makes me feel cared for & loved .If I am flaring and I am responding, I’m likely asking for a ride to the ER.
  7. Yes, diet matters, but in flare mode, all bets are off.
  8. Yes, my face is swollen. No, I didn’t gain 5 pounds overnight… Well I could have gained, but not on my face.. So, Yes, that is a tell that I am in a flare.
  9. I have many different sizes of clothes in my closet to accommodate flare vs. non-flare days. I currently have clothing from a medium ( very generous medium) to 3x.. I’ve lost weight, so likely only a few items & eventually they will go too.
  10. Fibro Fog sucks. Ya know when you get absent-minded every once in a while? Misplaced your keys? Misread something? Forgot to water the plants? That’s Brain or Fibro Fog. While it happens to everyone at some point, it not the norm. For people with Fibromyalgia this is the norm. Every day. I have even lost my train of thought, mid-sentance. It happens enough that those close to me don’t bat an eyelash when it happens. Some even see it happening & will remind me of what I was saying. The worst, is fogging out when I drive & I love to drive, but have to be super careful to make sure I am clear minded.
  11. Ask before you touch. Some days, I can barely tolerate the feel of clothing or even my hair on my skin. When I’m ok, give gentle hugs please — my skin & muscles may still be tender. But if I give you a bear hug, you can give me one back!
  12. Bright lights, loud noise and too many smells can overload the senses and can cause nauseous (or worse) or kick in a migraine.
  13. Allergies play havoc on my body. Scented products like perfumes & body products are typical culprits Sometimes I don’t even know I’m allergic until I experience it, So it’s a bit of Russian Roulette when I go into public because I can’t control what scents other people wear. Food allergies/sensitivities do not make life any easier either, especially when eating out.
  14. I am a human barometer ( there’s a post around about that.. I can typically tell it’s gonna be too cold, too wet, too hot.
  15. Yes, i am on medications, sometimes even alot of them. I have a decent relationship with the pharmacy staff, and I know exactly what all my medications are, the dosage, and why I’m on it & how it helps.
  16. To me, car rides are joy rides cuz I really love to drive. I need to stop every hour or two to keep my legs from going numb or seizing up. It, for me, is so worth it! But so many with fibro feel differently than I do & equate it to a highly painful roller coaster ride.
  17. Some days it’s OK to let my Fibro win. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.
  18. I can get moody. You would be too if you were in pain all the time, be patient with me.
  19. Don’t be surprised if I can tell your mood as soon you walk in the room. My Fibro/spidey-senses are tingling.
  20. My day, week and month are carefully planned to accommodate my Fibro. Only important events & people like you are scheduled.
  21. If I cancel my plans with you, don’t be mad.. Remember, I made plans with you, because you are important to me. I am trying and obviously want to hang out with you, so please keep any nasty commentator yourself as I already feel guilty.
  22. Your friend with Fibro that says they have no pain doesn’t make me feel any better. Plus if they have no pain, they may not have fibro cuz *all* Fibromites have *some* level of pain at *all* times Alternatively they could simply lying either about having fibro or about being totally pain-free. Also, just cuz someone says they are “Good” that’s does not mean pain-free
  23. “You should exercise.” ROTFLMAO. Have you considered going to the gym while you are in the middle of the flu with body-wide aches & pain, fatigue? Didn’t think so, so how can you expect me to when I have body-wide aches & pain and fatigue? Yes, I do exercise, but I’m not a hypocrite. Do you know how long it took from me to go from bobbing in the water during aquafit to get to my current level of exercise? Years!! It helps, that I have lost weight. Before you use me as an example of of someone with fibro who is ‘fit’, remember that I started my journey to become healthier & to increase my fitness level in the winter of 2012, almost 9 years ago. And I would not consider myself ‘fit’
  24. Going to the doctor makes me sad & sometimes overwhelmed— it’s a reminder of my condition. And it doesn’t help that I have at minimum a half dozen medical appointments each month – GP, Pain Doc, RMT, Physio/Osteo therapy, Gyn, Neuro, Dental, Psych, mental health support groups, and one offs for tests like bloodwork, ultrasound, x-ray, MRI or CT.
  25. There are zero no-pain days, but my low-pain days are my happy days. So if I’m looking good and acting good and I’m social, I’m better, right? No, just a good *low* pain day. Fibromyalgia is chronic & will not go away
  26. Because of Fibro, the mandated downtime gives me the opportunity to write this blog, and I’m grateful. Unfortunately, some of that downtime does not even permit blog writing because the pain or fatigue is*too* intense, so I have missed posts.
  27. Because of Fibro, some Fibromites get to spend more time with their families than if they were healthy.
  28. if i am being a dick about my health, you will not change my mind. I have to figure it out myself. For those in my life who put up with that for years, I am sorry.
  29. Because of Fibro, I’ve become part of a strong, supportive community that reminds me I’m never alone.
  30. Yes, I have depression. No, it’s not because of my fibro. My depression started at age 16, but fibro, we believe, started from Mono when I was 19-20. So, obvs they started at different times plus I do know the triggering event that started my depression.

Original published by Puja Rios on May 11, 2007 at https://www.huffpost.com/entry/25-facts-for-fibromyalgia-awareness-day_b_59148663e4b01ad573dac1c2

A Letter from Fibromyalgia

May 6, 2021
A Letter from Fibromyalgia

Hii!! My Name is Fibromyalgia, and I’m an Invisible Chronic Illness.

I am now velcroed to you for life.

Others around you can’t see me or hear me, but YOUR body feels me.

I can attack you anywhere and anyhow I please.

I can cause severe pain or, if I’m in a good mood, I can just cause you to ache all over.

Remember when you and Energy ran around together and had fun?

I took Energy from you, and gave you Exhaustion. Try to have fun now! I also took Good Sleep from you and, in its place, gave you Brain Fog.

I can make you tremble internally or make you feel cold or hot when everyone else feels normal.

Oh, yeah, I can make you feel anxious or depressed, too.

If you have something planned, or are looking forward to a great day, I can take that away, too.

You didn’t ask for me. I chose you for various reasons: That virus you had that you never recovered from, or that car accident, or maybe it was the years of abuse and trauma. Well, anyway, I’m here to stay!

I hear you’re going to see a doctor who can get rid of me. I’m rolling on the floor, laughing. Just try. 

You will have to go to many, many doctors until you find one who can help you effectively.

Pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, anti-anxiety pills

You will be put on pain pills, sleeping pills, energy pills, anti-anxiety pills, antidepressants, anti-epileptic or anti-convulsant pills. You will be told you are suffering from anxiety or depression, given a TENs unit, get massaged. You will be told that if you just sleep and exercise properly I will go away, told to think positively. You will be poked and prodded. MOST OF ALL, you will not taken as seriously as you feel when you cry to the doctor how debilitating it is to live your life, every single day.

Your family, friends will all listen to you until they just get tired of hearing about how I make you feel, and that I’m a debilitating disease.

Some of they will say things like “Oh, you are just having a bad day” or”Well, remember, you can’t do the things you use to do 20 YEARS ago”, not hearing that you said 20 DAYS ago. Some will just start talking behind your back, while you slowly feel that you are losing your dignity trying to make them understand, especially when you are in the middle of a conversation with a “Normal” person, and can’t remember what you were going to say next!

In closing, (I was hoping that I kept this part a secret), but I guess you already found out… the ONLY place you will get any support and understanding in dealing with me is with Other People With Fibromyalgia.

It’s OK To Not Be OK

December 14, 2020

My sleep schedule is screwed up again, not a surprise. So my intention was to get up early, relatively speaking, today.. That did not happen.

When my alarm went off yesterday, I kept hitting snooze and hitting snooze and hitting snooze. My brain didn’t want to get up yet.

So when I finally did get coherent, I really did not want to get out of bed. I don’t feel like I’m in the mental space to do much. So I canceled all my plans for today which included pickups for items for my Cubs, a run around the dog park with my pup and a visit to a friend.. all I’ve done today is let my dog out and go to the bathroom.. I still need to grab a bite to eat though and that will be something quick and dirty.

But it’s okay. Some days it’s just hard mentally, emotionally. Some days it’s just more difficult to cope. And for me yesterday it was one of those days.

it’s OK to not be OK.

Just recognize it for what it is and be aware. If it’s just a one-off like mine tend to be, you could just bounce back and be yourself tomorrow. Sometimes it takes a while.. couple of days.. a week to get out of the funk. If it goes more than a week though, consider talking to someone. Even just virtually, it can help..

Chronic Illness Bingo leads to Acceptance

July 27, 2020

This is kinda like the get to know style of bingo, but it’s just for you. Check off what applies to you.

I originally just posted this on my regular social media, but choose to write about here.. The reason I do is the reaction of a friend of mine, Susan.

Late last year she was diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis. Now, she has been struggling with acceptance that her life he’s been permanently altered through no fault of her own. Recently she say the post on my social media of my bingo card (see below) & noticed that she checked the few spaces I had empty. She then got curious & looked at the rest of the card noticing that she actually checked a majority of the boxes aswell.

This was her “Ah-ha” type moment. And realized “I have a chronic illness.” I think this realization, and acceptance of the hard truth has actually be a relief for her. She’s realized that there are limits and she has to learn where her limits are. But she’s no longer stuck and is able to move forward.

While I’m not happy that my post gobsmacked her in the face with the truth, I am glad she’s got the acceptance and is moving forward.


See where my 3 bingo lines are. How full isUis your card? I know someone who actually checks each box. 😦

She Saved Me!

July 17, 2020

In November of 2011, a little puppy was born. In February of 2012, she became mine.

Prior to us getting her, I’d had alot of issues. My relationship was severely toxic & abusive. I was no longer was in contact with close friends & family. My health was rapidly deteriorating & my disability made me almost house bound. My depression started going into overdrive & I did not deal well.

As a result, I have lost track of the number of suicide attempts I had over the first 5-6 years of our relationship. It was so bad that I wrote on my meds list “In the event of a Suicide Attempt Do NOT Let me go home”. I was on 5 different antidepressants & they were not mixing well either.

But my life Changed when in February 2012 when I was given a life to take care of. Lilly.

I now had a “reason to live.”

She became my world. She was 100% mine. My partner did close to nothing with her on his own. He didn’t feed her, groomer her, take her out. He did occasionally play with her, but I don’t think he ever loved her. But I did.

So despite the increasing toxicity, I was able to survive because I had her. I had to be around to take care of her. I honestly believe, she would have suffered if I was gone & left with him.

She was my world. She was the reason I got up in the morning – literally. I had to take her out for a walk in the morning to do her business.

My relationship came to a sudden end when his son overheard his Dad threatening Lilly’s life. Now I don’t know if the boy knew his Dad was talking about Lil, or if he thought the treat was towards me. Either way he called 911. My ex was arrested and charged with Uttering Death Threats I believe the charge was.

I took Lilly & moved back home to my parents despite their misgivings. I got counselling, months and months of counselling. I was able to focus on my health. I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I managed to maintain friendships from the time I was with him despite him. I am so lucky to have both of my best friend’s back as two of the closest people to me. I’ve rebuilt my relationships with family, my parents, my sister & her family, my brother & his family.

I am happy, reasonably healthy, and alive. Thanks to her.

About Fibro (Pt II)

June 30, 2020

This is a long read, but if you haven’t ever seen/read it, then it is most def worth the time. Because of it’s length, I’ve made it 2 posts. Fell free to use it for your own use if you so desire.

About Fibromyalgia

Being sick doesn’t mean I’m not still a human being. I have to spend most of my day in considerable pain and exhaustion, and if you visit I probably don’t seem like much fun to be with, but I’m still me stuck inside this body. I still worry about school and work and my family and friends, and most of the time I’d still like to hear you talk about yours too.
The difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. It doesn’t mean that I’m not in a lot of pain, or extremely tired, or that I’m getting better, or any of those things. Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!”. I am not better, I am sounding happy. If you want to comment on that, you’re welcome.
Being able to stand up for ten minutes, doesn’t necessarily mean that I can stand up for twenty minutes, or an hour. And, just because I managed to stand up for thirty minutes yesterday doesn’t mean that I can do the same today. With a lot of diseases you’re either paralyzed, or you can move. With this one it gets more confusing.
Repeat the above paragraph substituting, “sitting”, “walking”, “thinking”, “being sociable” and so on … it applies to everything. That’s what FMS does to you. – Please understand that FMS is variable. It’s quite possible (for me, it’s common) that one day I am able to walk to the park and back, while the next day I’ll have trouble getting to the kitchen. Please don’t attack me when I’m ill by saying, “But you did it before!”, if you want me to do something then ask if I can. In a similar vein, I may need to cancel an invitation at the last minute, if this happens please do not take it personally.
“Getting out and doing things” does not make me feel better, and can often make me seriously worse. Telling me that I need a treadmill, or that I just need to loose (or gain) weight, get this exercise machine, join this gym, try these classes… may frustrate me to tears, and is not correct… if I was capable of doing these things, don’t you know that I would? I am working with my doctor and physical therapist and am already doing the exercise and diet that I am suppose to do. Another statement that hurts is, “You just need to push yourself more, exercise harder…” Obviously FMS deals directly with muscles, and because our muscles don’t repair themselves the way your muscles do, this does far more damage than good and could result in recovery time in days or weeks or months from a single activity. Also, FMS may cause secondary depression (wouldn’t you get depressed if you were hurting and exhausted for years on end!?) but it is not created by depression.
If I say I have to sit down/lie down/take these pills now, that I do have to do it right now – it can’t be put off or forgotten just because I’m out for the day (or whatever). FMS does not forgive. – If you want to suggest a cure to me, don’t. It’s not because I don’t appreciate the thought, and it’s not because I don’t want to get well. It’s because I have had almost every single one of my friends suggest one at one point or another. At first I tried them all, but then I realized that I was using up so much energy trying things that I was making myself sicker, not better. If there was something that cured, or even helped, all people with FMS then we’d know about it. This is not a drug-company conspiracy, there is worldwide networking (both on and off the Internet) between people with FMS, if something worked we would KNOW.
If after reading that, you still want to suggest a cure, then do it, but don’t expect me to rush out and try it. I’ll take what you said and maybe discuss it with my doctor.

In many ways I depend on you – people who are not sick – I need you to visit me when I am too sick to go out… Sometimes I need you help me with the shopping, cooking or cleaning. I may need you to take me to the the doctor, or to the physical therapist. I need you on a different level too . You’re my link to the outside world… if you don’t come to visit me then I might not get to see you. … and, as much as it’s possible, I need you to understand me.

About Fibro (Pt I)

June 29, 2020

This is a long read, but if you haven’t ever seen/read it, then it is most def worth the time. Because of it’s length, I’ve made it 2 posts. Fell free to use it for your own use if you so desire.

About Fibromyalgia

My Need for Massage Therapy– If I get a massage every week, don’t envy me. My massage is not your massage. Consider how a massage would feel if that Charley horse you had in your leg last week was all over your body. Massaging it out was very painful, but it had to be done. My body is filled with painful knots. If I can stand the pain, regular massage can help, at least temporarily.

My Good Days – If you see me smiling and functioning normally, don’t assume I am well. I suffer from a chronic pain and fatigue illness with no cure. I can have my good days or weeks or even months. In fact, the good days are what keep me going.

My Uniqueness – Even those who suffer from FMS are not alike. That means I may not have all of the problems mentioned above. I do have pain above and below the waist and on both sides of my body which has lasted for a very long time. I may have migraines or hip pain or shoulder pain or knee pain, but I do not have exactly the same pain as anyone else. (Keep an eye out for the reposting of the topic “My Fibro is Not Her Fibro”)

My Weight – I may be fat or I may be skinny. Either way, it is not by choice. My body is not your body. My body’s metabolism is broken, and nobody can tell me how to fix it. Often the medication I must take causes weight gain, but many of us with fibro suffer from severe IBS and lose weight.

My Stress – My body does not handle stress well. If I have to give up my job, work part time, or handle my responsibilities from home, I’m not lazy. Everyday stresses make my symptoms worse and can incapacitate me completely.

My Depression – Yes, there are days when I would rather stay in bed or in the house or die. I have lost count of how many of Dr. Kevorkian’s patients suffered from FMS as well as other related illnesses. Severe, unrelenting pain can cause depression, but it is a result of the Fibro.. not a cause of it.. Your sincere concern and understanding can pull me back from the brink. Your snide remarks can tip me over the edge.

My Sensitivities – I just can’t stand it! “It” could be any number of things: bright sunlight, loud or high-pitched noises, textures, odors, food, etc.. FMS has been described as the “aggravating everything disorder.” So don’t make me open the drapes or listen to your child scream. I really can’t stand it.

My Intolerance – I can’t stand heat, either. Or humidity. If I am a man, I may sweat…profusely. If I am a lady, I perspire. Both are equally embarrassing, so please don’t feel compelled to point this shortcoming out to me. I know. And don’t be surprised if I shake uncontrollably when it’s cold. I don’t tolerate cold, either. My internal thermostat is broken, and nobody knows how to fix it.

My Clumsiness – If I step on your toes or run into you five times in a crowd, I am not purposely targeting you. I do not have the muscle control for that. If you are behind me on the stairs, please be patient. These days, I take life and stairwells one step at a time.

My Forgetfulness – Those of us who suffer from it call it fibrofog. I may not remember your name, but I do remember you. I may not remember what I promised to do for you, even though you told me just seconds ago. My problem has nothing to do with my age (Young people can get fibro) but may be related to sleep deprivation. I do not have a selective memory. On some days, I just don’t have any short-term memory at all.

My Fatigue – I am not merely tired. I am often in a severe state of exhaustion. I may want to participate in physical activities, but I can’t. Please do not take this personally. If you saw me shopping in the mall yesterday, but I can’t help you with yard work today, it isn’t because I don’t want to. I am, most likely, paying the price for stressing my muscles beyond their capability.

My Pain – My pain is not your pain. It is not caused by inflammation. Taking your arthritis medication will not help me. I cannot work my pain out or shake it off. It is not even a pain that stays put. Today it is in my shoulder, but tomorrow it may be in my foot or gone. My pain is believed to be caused by improper signals sent to the brain, possibly due to sleep disorders. It is not well understood, but it is VERY real.