A well written article from CNN about how depression, a medical condition, impacts the lives and deaths of people struggling with it. PLEASE READ.
Some particular statements I found poignant:
“Just because you can’t see it inside someone, doesn’t mean the pain they are experiencing isn’t real or overwhelming.”
“With cancer, you see people you love deteriorating on the outside. When someone struggles with mental health issues, you often don’t see it.”
“There’s a big difference between wanting to end your pain and wanting to end your life. But some of those who struggle with mental illness may not be able to see the difference.”
“Stop assuming you know what someone else’s life is like, or what it’s like to live in their head. You have no idea what somebody else’s life is like. And neither do I. You have no idea what pain or trauma a huge smile may be hiding.”
If someone has depression or even occasional suicidal ideologies, offering support instead of criticism is always the best way to go. You do not, can not, know how much someone is struggling with their demons. As Ellen says, “Be kind.”
Those who I know who should read this the most won’t even bother. They will consider themselves better even when they have struggled with their demons.
Since my last post, the new nurse Christine was able to get my meds to where they were supposed to be for the most part. I will be eternally grateful for that.
Unfortunately, real damage was done in the way of pain.. Fortunately, I do see Dr Sith tomorrow.
But the brightest moment of this 72-hour hold was today at about 6 in the evening when I heard a voice. It was a woman’s voice. She had a Jamaican lilt to her voice. I placed her immediately as being *my* psychiatrist I walk towards her voice and she was in a room talking with a patient but she looked up at me and despite the mask and my weight loss she recognized me immediately and then saw a surprise on her face.
But she’s my doctor and I’ve been in her practice for almost 5 years. She is familiar with what’s going on with me and my history so I was super comfortable at that point. I took a deep breath and was able to relax.
A half an hour later, she and the nurse came down to my room and we discussed what caused me to come into the ER.. She wanted to know how I got to the ER.. We talked about how I was feeling and feeling out my.state of mind.. She asked me why I was so animate about leaving as soon as the hold was up.. She reacquainted herself with my home situation.. We discussed my weight loss – cuz it has been 2 years since she’s seen me & I’m definitely smaller. She asked me what I thought she could help with..
Apparently, she liked what she heard and she discharged me. WITH a meds change, which is really all I wanted.. That and to actually have an appointment set up with her which got done earlier as well. 🙂
Am I still pissed about how things went down?? Definitely. Am I happy with the final result? Absolutely!
I first started having Endometriosis symptoms in my early teens. I started having CFSME symptoms in my mid-teen. My Fibromyalgia was triggered by a bout of of mononucleosis at age 19 which got slowly got worse…
Endometriosis was diagnosed when I was 26, Fibromyalgia at age 33, and CFSME at age 37. You’d think all these large diagnoses would qualify me easily for ODSP.
Nope.
My initial submission for ODSP, Ontario provincial disability benefits included documentation for endometriosis, fibromyalgia, edible syndrome, TMJ, asthma, IBS.. All of these diagnoses…No love..
From there I hired a lawyer you turned out to be a real dick and didn’t do squat. To keep my application current, I would request reconsideration based on regular bloodwork until I was able to get the needed documents.
When I requested a change of attorney I had to go into the tribunal, on the day of a huge snowstorm, with a broken foot.. The person who denied me didn’t even bother to show so the tribunal granted me the new legal representation – Durham Legal Clinic.
By this time, I’d seen Dr Alison Bested at the Environmental Health Clinic & had just become one of her patients in her private practice. I had another diagnosis of CFSME by her staff..
The legal clinic requested additional information from Dr Bested. They sent her a very specific document. This document basically outlined what I can and what I cannot do.
It covered the four broad areas of physical limitation. Mobility issues are those such as how far I can walk, do I need assistance devices for movement, how fast I can move – slow shuffle to jogging to an (ROTFL) out & out run. Upper body tasks include how much weight I can carry, how well I can push or pull heavy objects. Stair climbing functions are how many steps I can take, how fast I can climb. Activities of daily living include my abilities to eat, bathe, dress, sleep, administer my medications, preparing food & personal hygiene. She described me on my worst day.
My worst day, my pain is high. I can not walk more than to the bathroom – sometimes not even that far. This can cause issues with elimination. I am, at that point, unable to take any stairs, or carry anything heavier than a small plastic glass of water to take medication. I can not prepare my own food, let alone eat. Showering, brushing hair, cleaning my teeth would be beyond me at my worst..
Issues with Mobility, Stair climbing, , Upper-body tests & Activities of Daily Living like eating, showering and sleeping.
If you then you add my mental health health into the mix, especially as there were suicide attempts by this time, I was finally approved.
This same documentation, several months later, was used to successfully get approved by CPP-D, the disability program for Canadians.
It took several years for this process to complete.
So currently in Ontario, where I live, there is a three tier plan, which itself is made up of stages.
Phase 1 is for High-risk populations including
Congregate living for seniors
Health care workers
Adults in First Nations, Métis and Inuit populations
Adult chronic home care recipients
Adults ages 80 and older
Adults with the highest-risk health conditions:
From this group, my Brother-in-law, my 2 nieces & my Dad were all quickly eligible for the first phase.
Phase II is described as Mass deliveries of vaccines. This is our current phasewhere we currently stand in the process. This phase includes:
Adults aged 60 to 79, in 5-year increments
High-risk congregate settings (such as shelters, community living)
Individuals with high-risk chronic conditions and their caregivers
Those who cannot work from home
At-risk populations
So, with that description,you’d think I would be eligible in Phase 2 for either Endo, Fobro, CFS/ME, etc.. but no.. here are the lists of conditions that apply:
Highest-Risk Health Conditions, eligible at phase I:
Organ transplant recipients
Hematopoietic stem cell transplant recipients
Neurological diseases in which respiratory function may be compromised (e.g., motor neuron disease, myasthenia gravis, multiple sclerosis)
Haematological malignancy diagnosed <1 year
Kidney disease eGFR< 30
Of these conditions, I have none. .
High-Risk Health Conditions currently eligible
Obesity (BMI > 40)
Other treatments causing immunosuppression (e.g., chemotherapy, immunity- weakening medications)
Intellectual or developmental disabilities (e.g., Down Syndrome)
Of these conditions, I have none. It’s interesting that someone who is so far they are morbidly obese has priority over someone with a heart condition..
I no longer has a BMI over 40.. At my worst, my BMI was over 50 ( I just looked that up & I’m like “Damn, Girl!”) My BMI is now approximately 33.. so, I’m not eligible for that either.
At-Risk Health Conditions:
Immune deficiencies/autoimmune disorders
Stroke/cerebrovascular disease
Dementia
Diabetes
Liver disease
All other cancers
Respiratory diseases
Spleen problems (e.g., asplenia)
Heart disease
Hypertension with end organ damage
Diagnosis of mental disorder
Substance use disorders
Sickle Cell Disease
Thalassemia
Pregnancy
Immunocompromising health conditions
Other disabilities requiring direct support care in the community
Again no Fibro, No Endo, No CFS/ME.. Whil those last 2 are considered to possibly be autoimmune, they are not classified as such. So instead I qualify due to:
Respiratory diseases – I have asthma. It is currently controlled & I would only need th ventolin for strenuous activity
Diagnosis of mental disorder – I have chronic depression, have since I was 16
Substance use disorders – I have an addiction to fentanyl – controlled & my last use was about 3 years ago.
I’m not sure what the “other disabilities ‘ entails.. But I doubt it covers the other conditions, but it’s so vague.
So, cuz I am depressed, cuz I used to need a puffer & cuz I like fentanyl a little too much, I am eligible for phase not cuz of the Endo, Fibro, CFS/ME. Apparently people with these condition are otherwise only eligible in stage 3 with the rest of Canada. That is unless their family doctor gets vaccines.
On Bell Let’s Talk Day, Canadians and people around the world joined in to help create positive change for people living with mental health issues. Thanks to your actions, Bell will donate more to Canadian mental health initiatives.
With 159,173,435 interactions, Bell Canada with donate $7,958,671.75 to Mental Health initiatives across Canada!!
My sleep schedule is screwed up again, not a surprise. So my intention was to get up early, relatively speaking, today.. That did not happen.
When my alarm went off yesterday, I kept hitting snooze and hitting snooze and hitting snooze. My brain didn’t want to get up yet.
So when I finally did get coherent, I really did not want to get out of bed. I don’t feel like I’m in the mental space to do much. So I canceled all my plans for today which included pickups for items for my Cubs, a run around the dog park with my pup and a visit to a friend.. all I’ve done today is let my dog out and go to the bathroom.. I still need to grab a bite to eat though and that will be something quick and dirty.
But it’s okay. Some days it’s just hard mentally, emotionally. Some days it’s just more difficult to cope. And for me yesterday it was one of those days.
it’s OK to not be OK.
Just recognize it for what it is and be aware. If it’s just a one-off like mine tend to be, you could just bounce back and be yourself tomorrow. Sometimes it takes a while.. couple of days.. a week to get out of the funk. If it goes more than a week though, consider talking to someone. Even just virtually, it can help..
Wanna kill yourself? Imagine this. You come home from school one day. You’ve had yet another horrible day. You’re just ready to give up. So you go to your room, close the door, and take out that suicide note you’ve written and rewritten over and over and over You take out those razor blades, and cut for the very last time. You grab that bottle of pills and take them all. Laying down, holding the letter to your chest, you close your eyes for the very last time. A few hours later, your little brother knocks on your door to come tell you dinners ready. You don’t answer, so he walks in. All he sees is you laying on your bed, so he thinks you’re asleep. He tells your mom this. Your mom goes to your room to wake you up. She notices something is odd. She grabs the paper in your hand and reads it. Sobbing, she tries to wake you up. She’s screaming your name. Your brother, so confused, runs to go tell Dad that “Mommy is crying and sissy won’t wake up.” Your dad runs to your room. He looks at your mom, crying, holding the letter to her chest, sitting next to your lifeless body. It hits him, what’s going on, and he screams. He screams and throws something at the wall. And then, falling to his knees, he starts to cry. Your mom crawls over to him, and they sit there, holding each other, crying. The next day at school, there’s an announcement. The principal tells everyone about your suicide. It takes a few seconds for it to sink in, and once it , everyone goes silent. Everyone blames themselves. Your teachers think they were too hard on you. Those mean popular girls, they think of all the things they’ve said to you. That boy that used to tease you and call you names, he can’t help but hate himself for never telling you how beautiful you really are. Your ex boyfriend, the one that you told everything to, that broke up with you.. He can’t handle it. He breaks down and starts crying, and runs out of the school. Your friends? They’re sobbing too, wondering how they could never see that anything was wrong, wishing they could have helped you before it was too late. And your best friend? She’s in shock. She can’t believe it. She knew what you were going through, but she never thought it would get that bad… Bad enough for you to end it. She can’t cry, she can’t feel anything. She stands up, walks out of the classroom, and just sinks to the floor. Shaking, screaming, but no tears coming out. It’s a few days later, at your funeral. The whole town came. Everyone knew you, that girl with the bright smile and bubbly personality. The one that was always there for them, the shoulder to cry on. Lots of people talk about all the good memories they had with you, there were a lot. Everyone’s crying, your little brother still doesn’t know you killed yourself, he’s too young. Your parents just said you died. It hurts him, a lot. You were his big sister, you were supposed to always be there for him. Your best friend, she stays strong through the entire service, but as soon as they start lowering your casket into the ground, she just loses it. She cries and cries and doesn’t stop for days. It’s two years later. Your teachers all quit their job. Those mean girls have eating disorders now. That boy that used to tease you cuts himself. Your ex boyfriend doesn’t know how to love anymore and just sleeps around with girls. Your friends all go into depression. Your best friend? She tried to kill herself. She didn’t succeed like you did, but she tried…your brother? He finally found out the truth about your death. He self harms, he cries at night, he does exactly what you did for years leading up to your suicide. Your parents? Their marriage fell apart. Your dad became a workaholic to distract himself from your death. Your mom got diagnosed with depression and just lays in bed all day.
People care. You may not think so, but they do. Your choices don’t just effect you. They effect everyone. Don’t end your life, you have so much to live for. Things can’t get better if you give up. I’m here for absolutely anyone that needs to talk, no matter who you are. Even if we’ve NEVER talked before, I’m here for you.
Personal note: I’ve been there where it doesn’t seem like it’s worth it, even tried several times over the years… I’ve been in those shoes, so I have an idea of what’s going on in the head.. it may not seem it right now, but you are loved and if you need someone to talk to I’m here..
Many of us have mental health issues in addition to FM, ME & CFS, so I thought it important to remind everyone that Wednesday is Bell Canada’s Let’s Talk campaign & we can help.. here are the rules/guidelines
A few mentions to remember on January 25th … For #BellLetsTalk
Will start midnight Newfoundland time (NST) or 10:30pm EST on January 24th and end midnight PST or 3am EST on January 26th
As long as you are a Bell or Bell Alliance customer, any call .. landline and mobile … text messages count for the 5¢
Use either English or French or both hashtags #BellLetsTalk and/or #BellCause
SnapChat filter for #BellLetsTalk is on available on January 25th, every time the filter is used it counts for the 5¢
Instagram, be sure to include #BellLetsTalk in all descriptions counts for the 5¢
Twitter, if you’re involved in conversation and are replying, be sure to include #BellLetsTalk
Facebook, Bell will have a video on the https://www.facebook.com/BellLetsTalk .. pinned at the top of their page … video views are what counts for the 5¢ … the more shares the better 🙂
** just a reminder, this is a Healthy Minds Canada campaign in support of #BellLetsTalk
IF ANYONE HAS ANY QUESTIONS, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!! 🙂
Fibromyalgia 
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