I Am Grateful

I know my last post was not a hugely positive one. Unfortunately I just needed to vent about what I was seeing around me. But there are many many good things that I am grateful for and they are bigger and generally more important than the issues I discussed previously. . So today I want to tell you the things I am grateful for.

Family: After several years bouncing in and out of a toxic rekationship that estranged me from everyone, I left permanently after he was finally charged. Despite great trepidation and concersn from my family, they agreed to let me stay temporarily, expecting me to go back yet again. But with their support & others listed me below, I realized that I was hurting myself & them with my behaviour. I have since rebuilt my relationship with my parents, my sister & her family. I even have some semblance of a relationship with my brother.

Geeze.. I’ve only written one & I’m already in tears as I write this!

My Best Friend: I was absolutely horrible to this woman whom I have been friends with since high school . Because of the control my ex had over me, I was a complete and total bitch to her. My ex even contributed, I found out later, to the failure of her lucrative homer business. After she had a significant health scare, I was *allowed* to visit her. We slowly started to rebuild a relationship.. I even crashed on her couch for a few month during one of the times I left him. She was, I don’t think she realizes, had a significant impact on getting my head set forward. If this has not been re-established, I may not have let the police in or let the charges be filed. She was there for me when I needed her. It took about 4 years since we reconnected for her to again call me her best friend. She never realized how important that was for me to hear her say that. I am not sure she even knows now.

Man.. another doozy.. I’m sure that there’s gonna be edits cuz I can’t see through the tears. (& more years in the edit.)

Those who know us will get it.

Durham Family Services: Because of my income level, I was eligible to access the counseling services through the region (kinda like a county in the US) The woman I met, Fran, helped me through alot that first year I was back. I worked on my self esteem, learned some new coping skills and started to love myself again.

YMCA of GTA: This is actually my gym. I am grateful for my gym because I was able to get healthier and loose weight. I also has alot of social interaction there with people & started making friends

My Lilly: Yes, I did do a blog post about how she’s helped me, but I am still forever grateful for her. Whether she knows it or not.

Friends: Old and new. I’ve reconnected with alot of people in my past like in the post about three’s, but others as well.. Add in the new friends I’ve made since I’ve been back, plus the few I managed to keep from during my estrangement. While I may or may not maintain these friendships, or I could get something new from them remains to be seen, but just having a larger social circle is helping me. Which brings me to..

Scouting: I know most people wouldn’t get this, but before my relationship, I was an active Scouter. Now I was dwindling down on what I could do, but I did enjoy it. Flash 8-10 years later.. I’m back. And my eldest nephew wants to become a Junior leader)SIT with the Beavers. We (my sister & I) thought this would be a great way for me to reconnect with people & to build something with my nephew. . So I started as a “One hour a week” Scouter. Bringing my nephew every week… Now, with an awesome team of Scouters & friend (again, both old and new) I’m a major role in the Cub section (age 8-10).. I’m able to work with the youth, yet still be able to pace myself & no over do it.. much.. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to return to troop level and do that. Fortunately, I’m actually enjoying working with this age group.

International Symbol of Scouting.

My Medical Team: To the non-judgemental support from my current medical team, I am grateful. I am now on a positive Health Care Journey. With their help, I’ve managed to improve my health . I’ve lost weight, I’ve become more fit. I’ve come off alot of medications I really did not need, and supported me through addiction, tho no one knew at the time. I know I will never be healthy enough to return to work on much more than a casual part-time basis, but I am able to live a decent life despite fibromyalgia & my 6-bilkion other health issues.

This isn’t even going through the little things I’m grateful for.. The sun on my face, The lake at the cottage. Having a car to drive.. To have a regular income. To smell the flowers.. For being able to hug people (yes, only a special few right now). For privacy. For Fun. For freedom. For Love. For painting rocks. For exercise. For healthy outdoor spaces.. & you, still reading my post!!

I’m grateful for itvall.. & to those I can thank, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

I Have 7 Kids – Correction, 6.

While none of them are biologically mine, they are the closest I will ever have to children & by extension, grandchildren.

One lives with me. She is my life. If you read my post “She Saved me“, you’ll see why I love her so much. My absolute closest child is my Furbaby. She is 8½ years old.

My oldest 2 are my best friend’s children. Since I’ve known her since we were 16-17, I’ve know the girls all their lives. They are my oldest God Children & my bff put a clause in her will that I must have unfettered access to the girls should she pass away (I’ve rarely been in a financial place to support a family which is the only reason she did not give me custody). I have changed diapers, fed them, helped them learn to tie shoes, helped them ride a bike, taken them out for Halloween, celebrated birthdays, holidays & other milestones, take them out on adventures, disciplined them, played Santa – wrapping gifts & stuffing stockings (plus wrapping paper tube sword fights), celebrated milestones with them, mourned with them, did girl guides & Scouting with them, supported them, loved them.

You know when you’ve been in their life forever when one day you show up on an older sweatshirt, the child (well, she’s 27 now) looked at me & says “Didn’t you used to have another sweatshirt like that?” Of course her mom & I make eye contact & burst into laughter.. it was the same sweatshirt! Yes, I am a bit of a hoarder.

in addition, the younger of the two has a little boy, making her Mom a grandmother at 41, & me a God Grandmother? Or Grand Godmother? He just knows me as Kelli, Nana’s best friend

My first God child, before my God daughters cuz they were baptized older, is the son of friends of mine that I was close to when he was born. Was MC at their wedding. Ironically, I am now friends with him, not her since they split. Unfortunately, she turned her son from his family in Ontario so not even his Dad hears from him. While he isn’t in my life, I think of him & I know he remembers me as the Veggie Tales Lady cuz if give him Veggie Tales movie for Christmas, Easter & his birthday for several years in a row.

Edit: Apparently, he is become someone who I am not interested in associating with. He’s been living with his mother & has taken on her values, perceptions & beliefs. Unfortunately, his mother & I had a series of escalating disagreements, and she has turned into a total Snowflake. So with him becoming his mother, it looks like I only have 6.

My last three kids are my sister’s kids . Like with my bff’s children I started again with diapers, baby sitting, taxi service, arts & crafts, sporting events, music recitals, Scout meetings, more Halloween, birthdays, holidays, more adventures, support, respect & love. My sister recently asked me if her & her hubby pass that I would take custody of her son, my 4th & final GodChild. (Not the other 2 cuz they’re of age)..

As you can see I have alot of children in my life.. All of them important to me, whether they know it or not. There are other children in my life, but these 7, I’d do almost anything for, like any Mom would (well should) do.

& that is why I have 7 correction, 6 Kids.

She Saved Me!

In November of 2011, a little puppy was born. In February of 2012, she became mine.

Prior to us getting her, I’d had alot of issues. My relationship was severely toxic & abusive. I was no longer was in contact with close friends & family. My health was rapidly deteriorating & my disability made me almost house bound. My depression started going into overdrive & I did not deal well.

As a result, I have lost track of the number of suicide attempts I had over the first 5-6 years of our relationship. It was so bad that I wrote on my meds list “In the event of a Suicide Attempt Do NOT Let me go home”. I was on 5 different antidepressants & they were not mixing well either.

But my life Changed when in February 2012 when I was given a life to take care of. Lilly.

I now had a “reason to live.”

She became my world. She was 100% mine. My partner did close to nothing with her on his own. He didn’t feed her, groomer her, take her out. He did occasionally play with her, but I don’t think he ever loved her. But I did.

So despite the increasing toxicity, I was able to survive because I had her. I had to be around to take care of her. I honestly believe, she would have suffered if I was gone & left with him.

She was my world. She was the reason I got up in the morning – literally. I had to take her out for a walk in the morning to do her business.

My relationship came to a sudden end when his son overheard his Dad threatening Lilly’s life. Now I don’t know if the boy knew his Dad was talking about Lil, or if he thought the treat was towards me. Either way he called 911. My ex was arrested and charged with Uttering Death Threats I believe the charge was.

I took Lilly & moved back home to my parents despite their misgivings. I got counselling, months and months of counselling. I was able to focus on my health. I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I managed to maintain friendships from the time I was with him despite him. I am so lucky to have both of my best friend’s back as two of the closest people to me. I’ve rebuilt my relationships with family, my parents, my sister & her family, my brother & his family.

I am happy, reasonably healthy, and alive. Thanks to her.

They Can’t See It.

A few days ago my Dad asked me if I was gonna join him & Mom at the cottage this weekend. I said no. He stated they were going to my brother’s on Saturday then come home. I hedged, taking a deep breath, then my Dad stopped, looked at me and says “For Father’s Day.” Well played, Dad. Well played.

So, Satuday.. (Dad decided to just go up to my brother’s on Saturday & not the cottage.) And just getting out of bed, I can tell that this was not going to a great day.

Ok, 2 hour drive to my brother’s.. In the back seat of the van. We did have a pit stop part way up to get out & stretch. I also used my Obus Form back rest in the van. So, it could have been worse.

We got there shortly after 1.. I frgot take take my noon meds until about 2-2:30 only to realize, that while indie bring my Robes, I grabbed the wrong bottle & did not have my prescription muscle relaxer. So, I made do with the Robax instead.

We then spent the entire afternoon in lawns chairs on the grass, then the deck for dinner. As the day wore on, I became in more & more pain, even taking extra Tylenol, more than I’m supposed to.. I had no opportunity to rest, or to even lay down. The day, was not going well, health-wise.

But apparently I hid it well. Mom didn’t even know it was having significant problems. That is until we got in the van for the 2hr drive home. Then she noticed.. & asked if I was ok. Of course, I said no, but there’s not much to do about it.

Then I guess Dad figured that he should get us home faster and it was a really rough & jarring ride. That doesnt help, getting jostled around the back seat as he takes turn quickly and sharply.. But he did get us home 13 minutes faster than expected.

As you can tell by the publish time, it’s morning – a time i rarely see, but cuz of all that happened, I’m still awake and in pain cuz I overdid it.

So, I figure one of the following happened: 1. They Can’t see it. 2. They don’t see it, 3. They won’t see it . 4. I’m getting beat better at hiding it.

What do you think?

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When It Rains, It Pours

Why is it that when one person has a health issue, it seems like a dozen other people is your circle also have health issues? We’re been up to our necks in it lately..

It started with me on Christmas morning and my fibromyalgia pain getting the best of me (see here: http://bit.ly/AsUG8Q)..

Then 2-3 days later SO’s Best Friend’s SiL, who he is friends with, doesn’t wake up.. She had a brain aneurysm, went to a Thunder Bay hospital and was air lifted to Hamilton & a neurologist was brought in from Toronto to do the appropriate brain surgery.. Fortunately, surgery went well & she is doing well, all things considered. She still has a lot of recovery time ahead, but she is improving daily..

Then Thursday morning, my Granma (my Dad’s mum) is taken to Emerg in Toronto with GI & internal bleeding issues and was finally admitted to a room late Thursday.. They are still running tests, trying to figure out what’s wrong, what’s helping, what’s not.. She’s stable now and I think they are getting a handle on it..

Now, this afternoon, my sister calls.. My parents are still in St Martin in the Dominican Republic.. Apparently Mom blacked out after dinner last night, and fell face first onto the cement sidewalk.. So, she’s got one nasty looking face & her nose has been slightly mangled which they won’t treat down there .. I’m more concerned about why she blacked out, than the result of the fall.. Lucky her has been having her own GI issues this week & she’s got blood pressure issues… She has not been cleared medically to fly, but we don’t know why.. Unfortunately info on her condition is filtered from my parents to my brother who is also down there to my sister here in Ontario before it comes to me, so what info I get is watered down..

So, needless to say there’s been a lot going on.. If the rule of 3’s applies, we got two more issues coming, cuz we’ve got four now! All I can really do is pray & hope of the best.. I’d very much appreciate if you could include me, Catherine, Audrey & Judy in your prayers as well..