I mentioned previous about losing my bff. It was not a death, but an abrupt severing of the relationship.
Recently another friend of mine mentioned that she had posted on her Facebook that she’d had another stroke & that her husband had performed CPR on her while he waited for the ambulance. Dunno the extent of truth in that, cuz she’s always been a bit of a drama queen. But she was definitely in the hospital & taken by ambulance.
Apparently she was home a few days later, so I suspect not quite as life threatening as she alluded to.
Either way, I was driving by her neighbourhood on my way to & from a doctor’s appointment, so I stopped off at Dollarama to get a simple Get Well Soon card. In it I wrote:
“I know we are no longer friends, but I wish you no ill will. I hope you finally get your health issues sorted out. I also hope that you get things resolved with Brett for the long term He’s a good guy. K”
I dropped off the card on my way home. The next days I am informed she has a new post “Whoever is talking about me behind my back, you are welcome to unfriend me.” I guess she didn’t appreciate the card.
The thing she doesn’t realize, if that’s “talking about her behind her back” people have been doing that for as long as I’ve known her.
I went on a bit of a downwards slide on the weekend before Halloween. Found out my ex has a promise ring from his new girl. He proceeds to show it to me, tells me what it is, and realizing his stupidity says, “it’s not what you think it means”. Well it may not mean much to him, but I’m sure it does to her.
She also has to have ordered it while he & I were still together. Not impressed.
Spent the next week either busy af, or just feeling everything. No middle ground. Either complete distraction or completely emotional. No stability.
Slowly been trying to work through my emotions about the end of that relationship this last week.. Ups and down, but they are becoming a little less of a roller coaster. Even small improvement is improvement.
Walking with my sister last week she asked me if I had noticed if I get treated differently now, with shrinking. I thought about it for a minute and in some ways, yes, some ways no..
I no longer get dirty looks from people because of my weight.. People tend to be friendlier and less judgemental.. People are more likely to smile back when I smile. I don’t get dirty looks when I treat myself to an edible treat or I go through drive thru for dinner. I haven’t heard a rude comment spoken behind my back but in earshot for a long time. In general there seems to be less discrimination..
That being said, I have gotten dirty looks from some plus size women. I don’t know if they notice the extra skin and ate jealous or my weight-loss success. I don’t know if they recognize the BBW attitude I still have even tho I now wear a size large. I don’t know if it’s the self confidence I have in myself.
One area I’ve noticed that hasn’t changed much is guys. I still catch get the attention of guys who are ‘into’ BBWs.. I now do get the attention of guys who like ‘regular’ sized girls as well .. Either way tho, they still, for the most part, are all still looking for the same thing. Casual is not on my radar, never really has been. Maybe it was my size before & my age now. I don’t know why they think I am easy pickin’s.
This is the last of my weight-loss victories series
I was in a 10 year, give or take, relationship that turned into hell. I left 6 years ago this month..
I moved back to Oshawa. I lost a bunch of weight, I’ve gotten healthier (yes, I still have 6 million medical issues), I’ve reconnected (or thought I had) with old friends, I’ve had two ‘relationships that haven’t really been much more that glorified Friends with Benefits.
So physically, I’m better off but emotionally.. I still feel like shit.
I want to have someone in my life, Someone who is mine. Someone who I can call when I’m having a crappy day & we can talk.. Someone who wants to just hang out, talk & cuddle.. Someone who, honestly, I can say ‘Wanna f**k?’ to who won’t turn me down flat cuz it’s inconvenient for him.
I want something real – not this crap I’m finding over the internet. They are compatible 100% in one aspect but a complete no go in another areas.. Or I find someone who is match in that area & falls significantly short in another area.
I want someone who wants me for me, warts & all. Who matches intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually on a compatible maturity level.. Is that really too hard to ask for?
I apologize for missing my last post. Things were finally discussed and the solution is for me to step back.. So he & I are no longer “involved”, right now.. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that I expected this to be a potentially temporary situation. It he & I get to a better places, then maybe the intimacy can resume.
So, right now we are back to friends. Maybe I can handle it & we just remain good friends. Maybe I can’t handle & completely move away from any relationship.. Maybe things work out & we get back together.. Maybe I find someone else and I move on..
We will see.
Please be advised, I may, or may not be posting as regular as normal over the next few weeks .
This is a very personal topic & I know some will be ticked off to hear of my relationship status . While this post does touch on the topic of polyamory, every negative comment will me removed. Immediately. So if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all…
I am in an open relationship. I have one partner, however, he has recent started another relationship and I’ve been having alot of problems processing.. So for the last month I’ve been living with my stomach in knots
Part of the issue is super poor communication. But part of it appears to be mental health.
After I left Rob, I had alot & I mean alot of councilling.. Probably for close to a year when I started to feel comfortable in my own skin again..
It seems that there is one area that we did not touch upon and that is my self-esteem and self worth issues in regards to personal, intimate relationships.
Previous relationships since Rob have been superficial at best. I’ve seen several guys in the last few years, but one has stuck. I’ve known him since April 2018 and we’ve become super close. He and I, before he met his other partner, we just starting to get serious. Just bad timing on that I think.
Over the last month there has been very poor communication. Part of that is poor communication skills and part of it is him not understanding his feelings quite yet.. and because of that he was unable to express himself well..
We’ve had many conversations over the last month’s & every time we talk I think we’ve established where we are and then something gets said and I spiral down.. and considering how strong I feel for him I went down and down hard & few times. I’ve ended things with him 3 times this month but I guess I I’m a glutton for punishment because the same thing happened four weeks in a row.
Over the last few days we’ve been able to meet in person and finally have a truly open and honest conversation. I told him where I stand emotionally…
So as it stands he is emotionally committed to both of us and wishes to focus on his new relationship but has realized that he can’t start neglecting me or stop communicating with me or work on our relationship.
He has a relationship with her and he has a relationship with me.. Those relationships don’t have to cross or compete.. that’s part of my own issue of perception but we’ve apparently both felt this and because he wasn’t communicating the same thing to both of us.. So he is going to continue working on his relationship with her but at this time same time he is going to continue working on his relationship with me.
You all know stress impacts the human body. No one knows this more than people with Fibromyalgia. Part of our issue is that our muscles cannot relax because of the pain signals we are receiving at all times. Add stress to that, with most common physical reaction to stress is muscle tension. So adding tension to an already agitated muscle makes for a disaster.
No one knows yet 100% of the cause of Fibro. If it’s actually a physiological issue or if it’s a neurological reaction? Either way, the addition of the tension to the already agitated muscle, skyrockets the pain, with definite real pain.. Not just a neurological misfire that we could potentially be having.
And before anyone says I’m minimizing pain, I am not. People with fibromyalgia feel pain every single day. – it’s the cause we don’t know. We don’t know if the cause is something physical in the muscles, we don’t know if it’s part of the nerve chain or even something in the brain. We.just don’t know And as many of you know, I’m in a remission with my Fibro. I still feel pain, but I’m better managed and had made alot of changes a few years back. As a result, my pain levels rarely rate over a 5 – right now. I have, in the past, been bed bound. So I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. I am the last person to downplay anyone’s pain let alone someone with Fibromyalgia.
But back to stress… I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense issues lately.. The big 2: 1. Problems with my Mom & our relationship.. 2. Issues with the guy I’m seeing – relationship may be ending. And I don’t think either one reads this blog. Those are the big ones but there is always in additional normal day to day stresses..
So….. On Monday night I had a breakdown. A complete emotional & mental breakdown (this does not include the meltdown I had earlier that day). I was in such hysterics that at times I could barely breathe.. You also don’t want to see what my kitchen looks like, cuz it all hit me as I was cooking stir-fry, which means three pots on the stove, each carefully times so everything finished hot at the same time. Interestingly enough I could feel myself deteriorating and the rice was pretty much done, the meat was pretty much done and the vegetables were almost done so I took the presence of mind to grab storage containers and just put everything in the fridge because there was no way I was going to be able to eat it and I have no family to feed. But I didn’t give myself enough leeway and ended up destroying the contents of the shelves with the storage containers.. Apparently I have a decent arm because I found, after the fact, empty storage containers or lids in my dining area, my office area, one almost in the living room and also my bedroom.
I ended up calling the local mental health line & spoke with a gentleman named Craig who listened & offered support..Initially, my mind had been racing with a lot of dark negative thoughts.. But I finally got calmed down enough after over an hour of venting. & I was no longer in that dark and twisted headspace.
I woke up Tuesday morning physically & emotionally wiped. Unfortunately this was one of the days that I just can’t say no. I had to drop my mom off at her doctor’s appointments because she no longer drives. I still also had to finish prepping my Cub Scout meeting.. Which meant I also had to run my Cub Scout meeting because this week got dropped in my lap on Sunday. The meeting went well and I was able to get out of my head for almost 2 hours not thinking about those big two issues. By the time I got home in the evening after my meeting, I stripped down, showered, got extra medicated and watched some mindless TV. That’s all my body would let me do – I pretty much hit the wall. Oh & eat some of the stir fry from the night before – lol.
And this excessive physical reaction is 100% due to stress exasperating the Fibromyalgia and some of my ppother chronic pain issues.
For the last 2½ weeks I have been going over to her place every other day to help her pack.
I know there will be those concerned about the risk of getting exposed to COVID. Yes, they are moving to the city, Toronto, Canada’s biggest hotspot but we are being as careful as possible.
To minimize any risk to my parents, I’ve isolated from them while I’m helping pack & move.
I am only in one circle at a time.
My bff & her hubby are now my bubble. No, I don’t wear a mask at her place, but they are the only people who I do that with. His job had been modified so that he interacts basically with no one while he does his pickups, not at his work & not with the clients. She currently works from home, but that will shift slightly after her move. In the grand scheme of things, they are low risk of being exposed. Because of running errands & my cub scouts, I’m at a higher risk of exposure than she is as she is only leaving her place to transport items to her new home, a house.
Because I’m only me & Lilly in my immediate household, it is recommended, for my mental health, that I extend my bubble. Helping my BFF & getting to spend some quality time is also good for my mental health & wellbeing.
Immediately after the move I will isolate for 2 weeks, no bubble whatsoever before returning to my parents’ bubble. I will not be helping my bff unpack as my Mom is not comfortable with that.
On the day of, masks. Every single person *must* have a mask before entering any premises. Hands must also be either sanitized before entering, or washed properly immediately upon entering. Signs will be up to help the movers go directly to the room they need to go to, making things more efficient & less wandering. I’m sure I’ll have a Lysol or Clorox sanitizing cloth at all times to wipe stuff down as the movers come and go.
This is the best way to keep everyone safe and at a comfortable level and allows me to help her out.
More info on the move & it’s impact on my Fibro coming shortly.
What does this look like? Honestly, it’s not that different. Most people who have chronic illnesses only go out when they are having good day.. In remission, you are having primarily good days.. So, the big change is that people will see more of that person. Instead of once every 2-3 weeks, depending on your relationship, you might see them 2-3 times in a week!
What does it look like for me? It looks like better connections with family & friends as I can see and interact with them more.. It looks like consistent cubs meetings with a higher participation. It looks like I can do something from before but without the bad consequences like I was able to go for a hike down by the lake today and tomorrow I may be a little sore, instead of a nice big crash that used to happen.
Remission means a temporary relief from pain, fatigue & other dymptoms. I can do so much more than I could!
Do I still crash? Absolutely.. Does it happen as much right now? No. Is it as bad, as painful, right now? No, actually the pain is better right now. Does it last as long? Not usually.
So, I’m sure you are wondering, can I return to ‘normal’ life? No.. I’m still having off days. I still can & do overdo it. I crashed out one day last week for no particular reason. Today I am toast cuz of the weather shift earlier in the week. I having been slowly adding more ‘normal’ things to my life including friendships, romantic relationships, scouting commitments, family interactions, increased activity including exercise.
Am I still in pain? Am I symptomatic? Sbsolutely. That one reason I know I’m not ‘cured’ I still have pain evety single day. But lately it’s only a 2 or 3 on the pain scale these days.. I still am exhausted, but I don’t necessarily need the 12+ hours of sleep to recover from a regular day. IBS? Oh yeah., Fibro Fog? Definately.. Sensitivities? Sure, some less intense.. Morning stiffness? Oh yeah, but it’s usually less..
Why am I in remission? What did I do? I can’t say for sure, but the timing of the end of a toxic even abusive long-term relationship may have something to do with it. I returned home, slowly rebuilt relationships, re-establishing connections, increased fitness, weight loss, changed my meds & got off several, decreased dosages of others.. Lots of good changes, all of which may have contributed to my current status.
I know my last post was not a hugely positive one. Unfortunately I just needed to vent about what I was seeing around me. But there are many many good things that I am grateful for and they are bigger and generally more important than the issues I discussed previously. . So today I want to tell you the things I am grateful for.
Family: After several years bouncing in and out of a toxic rekationship that estranged me from everyone, I left permanently after he was finally charged. Despite great trepidation and concersn from my family, they agreed to let me stay temporarily, expecting me to go back yet again. But with their support & others listed me below, I realized that I was hurting myself & them with my behaviour. I have since rebuilt my relationship with my parents, my sister & her family. I even have some semblance of a relationship with my brother.
Geeze.. I’ve only written one & I’m already in tears as I write this!
My Best Friend: I was absolutely horrible to this woman whom I have been friends with since high school . Because of the control my ex had over me, I was a complete and total bitch to her. My ex even contributed, I found out later, to the failure of her lucrative homer business. After she had a significant health scare, I was *allowed* to visit her. We slowly started to rebuild a relationship.. I even crashed on her couch for a few month during one of the times I left him. She was, I don’t think she realizes, had a significant impact on getting my head set forward. If this has not been re-established, I may not have let the police in or let the charges be filed. She was there for me when I needed her. It took about 4 years since we reconnected for her to again call me her best friend. She never realized how important that was for me to hear her say that. I am not sure she even knows now.
Man.. another doozy.. I’m sure that there’s gonna be edits cuz I can’t see through the tears. (& more years in the edit.)
Those who know us will get it.
Durham Family Services: Because of my income level, I was eligible to access the counseling services through the region (kinda like a county in the US) The woman I met, Fran, helped me through alot that first year I was back. I worked on my self esteem, learned some new coping skills and started to love myself again.
YMCA of GTA: This is actually my gym. I am grateful for my gym because I was able to get healthier and loose weight. I also has alot of social interaction there with people & started making friends
My Lilly: Yes, I did do a blog post about how she’s helped me, but I am still forever grateful for her. Whether she knows it or not.
Friends: Old and new. I’ve reconnected with alot of people in my past like in the post about three’s, but others as well.. Add in the new friends I’ve made since I’ve been back, plus the few I managed to keep from during my estrangement. While I may or may not maintain these friendships, or I could get something new from them remains to be seen, but just having a larger social circle is helping me. Which brings me to..
Scouting: I know most people wouldn’t get this, but before my relationship, I was an active Scouter. Now I was dwindling down on what I could do, but I did enjoy it. Flash 8-10 years later.. I’m back. And my eldest nephew wants to become a Junior leader)SIT with the Beavers. We (my sister & I) thought this would be a great way for me to reconnect with people & to build something with my nephew. . So I started as a “One hour a week” Scouter. Bringing my nephew every week… Now, with an awesome team of Scouters & friend (again, both old and new) I’m a major role in the Cub section (age 8-10).. I’m able to work with the youth, yet still be able to pace myself & no over do it.. much.. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to return to troop level and do that. Fortunately, I’m actually enjoying working with this age group.
International Symbol of Scouting.
My Medical Team: To the non-judgemental support from my current medical team, I am grateful. I am now on a positive Health Care Journey. With their help, I’ve managed to improve my health . I’ve lost weight, I’ve become more fit. I’ve come off alot of medications I really did not need, and supported me through addiction, tho no one knew at the time. I know I will never be healthy enough to return to work on much more than a casual part-time basis, but I am able to live a decent life despite fibromyalgia & my 6-bilkion other health issues.
This isn’t even going through the little things I’m grateful for.. The sun on my face, The lake at the cottage. Having a car to drive.. To have a regular income. To smell the flowers.. For being able to hug people (yes, only a special few right now). For privacy. For Fun. For freedom. For Love. For painting rocks. For exercise. For healthy outdoor spaces.. & you, still reading my post!!
I’m grateful for itvall.. & to those I can thank, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Fibromyalgia 
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