I went to Lakeridge Health to get help on Friday. But for the most part I’ve been screwed.
It’s Sunday & other than a 15-20 minute chat with the doc in the ER, I’ve seen no physician. The on call shrink who prescribed my meds has completely screwed me over I missed THREE doses of my antidepressant – which given that I’m here for mental health is excruciatingly bad. Finally back on as of this morning I was given a muscle relaxer & a Tylenol three on Friday in the ex for my fibro and that’s it.. nothing since.. but she did prescribed a Parkinson’s med for muscle spasms – huh? So my pain is skyrocketing… & It’s not freaking muscle spasms. & Have not been given any arthrotec (antiinflammatory) that I also take.. You should see my ankle from hurting it almost 2 weeks ago.. it’s exploded cuz I’m not treating the swelling
I have finally gotten the last nurse on the last shift to finally reach out to the doc to get something prescribed & his replacement is actually being more diligent & she has followed up twice now..
Then add to that my sleep.. while long, there was very little deep or REM sleep, so not much healing sleep here either
But God. This is the worst experience. Worse than being sent back home with my ex after a major OD (my ex was why I’d OD’d).
I dont know if I’m going to be able to get my shopping done for Christmas, let alone my baking.
This is supposed to be helping me It’s not. It’s making me worse
Previously, i had posted about my pain physician limiting my physical activities – not allowed to go to Cub/Scout camp. . I wrote about why & here’s a quick summary from the post
My pain was creeping up and Iwasn’t doing anything to rest. After spiking again last weekend, I had a regularly scheduled appointment with my pain doc. She reviewed my comments & my paperwork and we had a discussion She said that I was overdoing it & if I kept pushing I was going to significantly hurt myself, possibly slamming right out of my semi-remission. So, she said “No, you are not to go.”
My Pain Doctor *ordered* me to not go to Cub/Scout Camp.
So my Doctor said no, & I’m glad she did! Cuz she was right.
Last Thursday I helped the Howlers clean off the canoes so they could use them. (We don’t wanna contaminate the algae or other slime or bugs of one body of water to a new environment)
On Friday afternoon I helped get everyone off, including the trailers for the canoes & equipment.
Cubs At Camp
On Saturday, I finally woke at 10am on 6 hours sleep cuz my pain was keeping me up. Unfortunately, I woke in more pain than I fell asleep in.
i have a pattern – I feel worse first thing & feel good until I approach bed time.. I hurt in the morning because I’m still – I haven’t been moving or stimulating my muscles while I sleep unless of my restless legs are keeping me up of course. When bedtime approaches, I start too slow down and that makes me more aware of my body and the pain and inflammation that I’ve been ignoring comes to light. I have always been like this as a kid – I would be ill, but better in the evenings & want to go to guides or soccer or dance…
Instead of Cub Camp, Saturday activities ended up included folding laundry and reading a book in the lounger in the backyard. Not alot of activity.
So I went to bed on Saturday night in lots of pain. Woke up Sunday with lots of pain.
Sunday required me to pack for the cottage, which was fun..it took me several hours to get my stuff organized & packed (yet still left swimsuits at home).. Imagine, had I gone to camp, how much pain I would be in. Packing up Sunday morning and making a 4 hour drive home, then unpacking equipment at our storage area. Afterwards, add in me trying to unpack from camp, do some laundry and then repack for the cottage all in a few hours then drive almost 2 hours up here..
imagine if I had tried to do camp, I would not have been able to pack for the cottage, let alone make it here for at least 2 days, possibly up to 4 or 5..
So, as the days have progressed, I’m having to be careful.. We (Lilly & I) ran errands on Tuesday, and spontaneously stopped at a local conservation area to take the pup for a walk (6 km later we are both dying) .. I walked around in the cool lake water to help the pain and heat in my leggs as well as a quick dip for Lil for that & heat relief… It helped a bit..
We took Wednesday easy.. Went about 500m in the kayak before I remembered I had a webinar in 20 minutes! & that was my exercise.. And yesterday I crashed out.. not even making it outta bed until 7 – in the evening..
So while, besides yesterday, I’m doing “ok”.. I was managing pain at about a 4/10. Imagine where I would have been had I gone to camp.. Besides packing, I’d be driving 4 hours to the camp ground, help set up three sites, including tents, kitchens and shelter. Poor sleep Friday night would almost be a given, but up between 7am & 8am for breakfast & on my feet going all day, including canoeing with the kids, hiking, games, skills training, archery, helping with 3 meals a day in some capacity, etc. No breaks, no stops, no naps untill after campfire, if I made it that long, starting at 9:30-10pm start.. so in bed for midnight.
Cubs & Scouts Camping c at Camp Impressa
Sunday would have consisted of breakfast & packing the equipment all up & reorganizing the trailer. Then the 4 hour drive back as I mentioned earlier..
if you add all that activity on minimum sleep, are you really all that surprised that I would have crashed on Monday. Which I kind of did anyways just from packing up with the cottage.. if without that activity my pain levels are at a 4, maybe 5. Imagine what level I would have been at had I actually participated. I figure probably near 9/10 and I tend to go to the ER between the levels of 7 and 8!
Normally, if I’m ‘well’ I can do camp Friday – Sunday, then crash for 2 days.. but I can normally make it through camp.. but I wasn’t starting at ‘well’..
So, yeah I am so glad my pain doc ordered me to stay home..
Widespread pain is the common factor among those with fibromyalgia, though there are also particular points in the body more sensitive to pain (‘tender points’) that many experience and are often used in the diagnosis of the condition. Pain types also vary, from stabbing and burning, to aching and throbbing. There are also numerous other symptoms commonly found with fibromyalgia, from digestive troubles and fatigue, to stiffness and cognitive problems (aka ‘fibro fog’).
Symptoms not only vary between people. They can vary for the same person, minute by minute, day by day. It’s unpredictable and no two days are ever quite the same. There can be ‘flares’, where symptoms are considerably more severe compared to that person’s usual baseline; such flares can be unbearably exhausting and painful.
The extensive myriad of symptoms of fibromyalgia can’t simply be pushed through nor is it a case of mind over matter.
Recently, I received an email from Sobey’s Grocery stores in response to my request to be waitlisted for the vaccine.. They said, I was eligible for the COVID vaccine, for the AstraZeneca vaccine. Finally!!
AZ Vacvine
I went & signed up. It turns out the closest location for the shot was in the city a Gerrard & Vic Park. I’m sure there’s not a lot of you familiar with the geography of Toronto but from my home it is approximately 50 km or just over 30 miles ( just under an hour away) to that specific grocery store for my shot. But I was going to be going into Scarborough (East Toronto) anyways because of Lilly’s surgery. I figured I’d would kill two birds with one stone.
My Shot, Thursday
So my appointment was on Thursday, at 11:30am. It was super quick. By the time my brain registered the sensation of the needle, she was already putting it syringe into the sharps bin.So, even if you don’t like needles, it’s not that bad. I stayed the required 15 minutes. No reaction initially other than some moderate nausea.
Waiting n the cubical for the pharmacist to give me my shot
The nausea stayed with me for the day. I was a little tired afterwards & had a short nap which helped me feel a little better. Even went for walk with my sister in the evening.
My Reactions – That Night
By 2:00am the nausea was worse, so much so that I had an empty bucket beside my bed, just in case.
Shortly after that I noticed I was cold. I was eventually shivering despite pj’s and warm bedding. My temperature at this time was 38 & change in Celcius .
My arm was sore, but most people have that reaction. My fibro was triggered and my pain was climbing everywhere. At worst I’d say 5/10.
By 5:00 this morning my body had switched from shivering to sweating. I was also having a headache kick in. I took some Tylenol with codeine and was finally able to get back to sleep.
My Reactions – Next Day, Friday
I was abruptly woken up by my Mom at 10:30am for a temperature check. It was 36.8, completely normal. After checking Lilly & giving her meds (see her surgical post if you are interested), I went back to bed. Fortunately in the morning, the body wide pain had taken a step back and no more shivering or sweating. I did still have the headache, and the nausea but it was not as bad.
As the day wore on I’d flip from chills to overheating, but no temperature. The nausea kept up and I did rush to the bathroom with dry heaves. The body-wide aches went back up by bedtime.
My Reactions – Day 2 Post Vaccine, Saturday
Still has ongoing flipping between chills & hot flashes. Left arm still sore.. Ongoing body aches all during the day.. Still nauseous, but not actually vomiting..sent alot of my time resting.
My Reactions – Day 3 Vaccine, Sunday.
Chills & hot flashes completely abated by the evening and the nausea aswell. Still had body-wide aches & pains.
My Reactions – Day 4 & 5, Monday & Tuesday.
I think by this point I was completely finished reacting to the actual vaccine, whoever my fibromyalgia decided to react to the vaccine reaction. Oh so fun. So by the time I woke up on Monday I was in a lovely little fibro flare that has lasted several days. Only thing I accomplished was the opening & closing of my Tuesday Night Cub meeting.
So, by this point my actual immunoreaction to the medication in the vaccine was done, but not the end of this saga of my vaccine.. Read here for more on this story.
Fibromyalgiais a chronic condition characterized by widespread pain in your muscles, ligaments and tendons, as well as fatigue and multiple tender points – places on your body where slight pressure causes pain.
Myofascial Pain Syndromeis a chronic form of muscle pain. The pain of Myofascial Pain Syndrome centers around sensitive points in your muscles called trigger points. The trigger points in your muscles can be painful when touched. And the pain can spread throughout the affected muscle.
I want to talk to you about Fibromyalgia (FM) and Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome (MPS). Many have never heard of these conditions and for those who have, many are misinformed. And because of this, judgments are made that may not be correct. So I ask you to keep an open mind as I try to explain who I am and how FM/MPS has assaulted not only my life but those whom I love as well.
I cannot show you a physically open wound to show how much pain I’m in. If I could you would take one look at that, tell me to sit right down, get me a pillow, offer me something to eat or drink and have that concerned and understanding look on your faces. However with Fibromyalgia, you will hear from many people that they would rather have a broken leg any day than suffer the kind of pain these disorders inflict. To me, a broken leg is even a poor example to compare suffering to these disorders and an insult to those of us with those disorders. You see, I suffer from a disease that you cannot see; a disease that there is no cure for and that keeps the medical community baffled at how to treat and battle this demon, who’s attacks are relentless. My pain works silently, stealing my joy and replacing it with tears. On the outside we look alike you and I; you wont see my scars as you would a person who, say, had suffered a car accident. You won’t see my pain in the way you would a person undergoing chemo for cancer; however, my pain is just as real and just as debilitating. And in many ways my pain may be more destructive because people can’t see it and do not understand….
You must see with your ears and your heart what your eyes cannot see. You must listen carefully to what I am telling you. What I describe to you may not make much sense to you and may be difficult for you to understand. Sometimes it may seem to you to be a different universe that I discuss. Know that it probably is. You don’t have to fully understand my universe and you cannot possibly. However hear my pain, listen for red flags always of any danger signals where you may need to help with added assistance. I like to call it “sending in the troops.” Anytime I do not seem in touch with reality. Please don’t get angry at my seemingly lack of interest in doing things; I punish myself enough I assure you. My tears are shed many times when no one is around. My embarrassment is covered by a joke or laughter, but inside I want to die. You will hear many things from me that to you seem as easily resolvable. You may wonder why I make the same “wrong” decisions over and over again. Why haven’t I learned by this time? Why can’t I see the senselessness of my behaviour? I may seem to be getting my life together and them bottom out all over again. Please understand the difference between “happy” and “healthy”. When you’ve got the flu you probably feel miserable with it, but I’ve been sick for years. I can’t be miserable all the time, in fact I work hard at not being miserable. So if you’re talking to me and I sound happy, it means I’m happy. That’s all. I may be tired. I may be in pain. I may be sicker than ever. Please, don’t say, “Oh, you’re sounding better!” I am not sounding better, I am sounding happy.
What is happening here? Am I lazy, stupid, etc? Nope. My physical brain and body is very different than yours. I experience life different than the way you do. I feel different than you do. Most of my “friends” are gone; even members of my own family have abandoned me. I have been accused of “playing games” for another’s sympathy. I have been called unreliable because I am forced to cancel plans I made at the last minute because of the burning and pain in my legs or arms and shoulders. The pain can be so intense that I cannot put my clothes on and I am left in my tears as I miss out on yet another activity I used to love and once participated in with enthusiasm. Do I experience mood swings? If I am hurting I may be angry, sad, depressed, or any of the hundred moods in the world. I’ll never know what mood I will wake up with? I may treat you cruelly and say horrible things to you; I may ignore you completely, or cry on your shoulder unstopping when I’m in Fibro Flare. You may wonder what you said or did that made me this way. Well you did nothing it’s the Fibromyalgia and all its underlining factors causing this.
While the most predominant symptoms of fibromyalgia include widespread pain and persistent fatigue, the resulting cognitive impairment of this condition may be its most maddening. Commonly referred to as fibro fog, this symptom is a conglomeration of cognitive challenges. Fibro fog is understood to be a physical symptom of fibromyalgia, not a psychological one. Just as no two individuals experience fibromyalgia in the same way, fibro fog also has a varying range of indications, including: Mental confusion, Fuzzy thinking, Short-term memory loss, Inability to concentrate or pay attention, and Language lapses.
This is why I feel like a child at times. Just the other day I put the eggs I bought at the store in the pantry, on the shelf, instead of in the refrigerator. When I talk to people, many times I lose my train of thought in mid sentence or forget the simplest word needed to explain or describe something. Please try to understand how it feels to have another go behind me in my home to make sure the stove is off after I cook an occasional meal. Please try to understand how it feels to “lose” the keys, only to find them in the freezer. As I try to maintain my dignity the demon assaults me at every turn. I have a physical illness and it isn’t my fault and I didn’t ask for it I don’t want it and I don’t deserve it.
Occuring at the deepest level of the sleep cycle, individuals with fibromyalgia typically lack sufficient restorative sleep. We know that at the deeper levels of sleep, called delta wave sleep, a person’s mind conducts internal housekeeping. During delta wave sleep, newly acquired information is assimilated and integrated into the brain. The inability to get sufficient delta wave sleep impairs the ability to recall information and operate at a normal level of mental efficiency.
Sleep, when it happens or restless and unrestorative
Sleep, when I do get some, it is restless and I wake often because of the pain the sheets have on my legs or because I twitch uncontrollably. I walk through many of my days in a daze with the Fibro-fog laughing at me as I stumble and grasp for clarity.
Just because I can do a thing one day, that doesn’t mean I will be able to do the same thing the next day or next week. I may be able to take that walk after dinner on a warm July evening; the next day or even the in the next hour I may not be able to walk to the fridge to get a cold drink because my muscles have begun to cramp and lock up or spasm uncontrollably. There are those who say “but you did that yesterday!” “What is your problem today?” The hurt I experience at those words scars me so deeply that I have let my family and friends down again; and still they don’t understand.
On a brighter side I want you to know that I still have my sense of humour. If you take the time to spend with me you will see that. I love to tell that joke to make another’s face light up and smile at my wit. I am fun to be with if you will spend the time with me on my own playing field; is this too much to ask? I want nothing more than to be a part of your life. I have found that I can be a strong friend in many ways. I am your friend, your supporter and many times I will be the one to do the research for your latest project; many times I will be your biggest fan and the world will know how proud I am at your accomplishments and how honored I am to have you in my life.
All I ask is that you become educated about Fibromyalgia. I am someone in your life that suffers from Fibromyalgia. You may think you know everything there is to know about it, but there is more information out there than you think. It is more complicated then you think, and it is more life changing then you think.
Lend a helping hand. If you want to be helpful to someone with Fibromyalgia, just ask what you can do. Be flexible with invitations and plans that you have made. Understand that sometimes the pain of Fibromyalgia is overwhelming. Be active. Accompany them to a doctor’s appointment and take an active interest in their treatment. You can take notes at the doctor’s office and then review your notes together at home. Don’t take things personally. Some people with Fibromyalgia suffer from sudden mood changes. Try not to take these mood swings personally as they are part of the syndrome.
So you see, you and I are not that much different. I too have hopes, dreams, goals and this demon. Do you have an unseen demon that assaults you and no one else can see? Have you had to fight a fight that crushes you and brings you to your knees? I will be by your side, win or lose, I promise you that; I will be there in ways that I can. I will give all I can as I can, I promise you that. But I have to do this thing my way. Please understand that I am in such a fight myself and I know that I have little hope of a cure or effective treatments, at least right now.
Thank you for spending your time with me today. I hope we can work through this thing, you and me. Please understand that I am just like you.
Fibromyalgia 
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