I Am Grateful

I know my last post was not a hugely positive one. Unfortunately I just needed to vent about what I was seeing around me. But there are many many good things that I am grateful for and they are bigger and generally more important than the issues I discussed previously. . So today I want to tell you the things I am grateful for.

Family: After several years bouncing in and out of a toxic rekationship that estranged me from everyone, I left permanently after he was finally charged. Despite great trepidation and concersn from my family, they agreed to let me stay temporarily, expecting me to go back yet again. But with their support & others listed me below, I realized that I was hurting myself & them with my behaviour. I have since rebuilt my relationship with my parents, my sister & her family. I even have some semblance of a relationship with my brother.

Geeze.. I’ve only written one & I’m already in tears as I write this!

My Best Friend: I was absolutely horrible to this woman whom I have been friends with since high school . Because of the control my ex had over me, I was a complete and total bitch to her. My ex even contributed, I found out later, to the failure of her lucrative homer business. After she had a significant health scare, I was *allowed* to visit her. We slowly started to rebuild a relationship.. I even crashed on her couch for a few month during one of the times I left him. She was, I don’t think she realizes, had a significant impact on getting my head set forward. If this has not been re-established, I may not have let the police in or let the charges be filed. She was there for me when I needed her. It took about 4 years since we reconnected for her to again call me her best friend. She never realized how important that was for me to hear her say that. I am not sure she even knows now.

Man.. another doozy.. I’m sure that there’s gonna be edits cuz I can’t see through the tears. (& more years in the edit.)

Those who know us will get it.

Durham Family Services: Because of my income level, I was eligible to access the counseling services through the region (kinda like a county in the US) The woman I met, Fran, helped me through alot that first year I was back. I worked on my self esteem, learned some new coping skills and started to love myself again.

YMCA of GTA: This is actually my gym. I am grateful for my gym because I was able to get healthier and loose weight. I also has alot of social interaction there with people & started making friends

My Lilly: Yes, I did do a blog post about how she’s helped me, but I am still forever grateful for her. Whether she knows it or not.

Friends: Old and new. I’ve reconnected with alot of people in my past like in the post about three’s, but others as well.. Add in the new friends I’ve made since I’ve been back, plus the few I managed to keep from during my estrangement. While I may or may not maintain these friendships, or I could get something new from them remains to be seen, but just having a larger social circle is helping me. Which brings me to..

Scouting: I know most people wouldn’t get this, but before my relationship, I was an active Scouter. Now I was dwindling down on what I could do, but I did enjoy it. Flash 8-10 years later.. I’m back. And my eldest nephew wants to become a Junior leader)SIT with the Beavers. We (my sister & I) thought this would be a great way for me to reconnect with people & to build something with my nephew. . So I started as a “One hour a week” Scouter. Bringing my nephew every week… Now, with an awesome team of Scouters & friend (again, both old and new) I’m a major role in the Cub section (age 8-10).. I’m able to work with the youth, yet still be able to pace myself & no over do it.. much.. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to return to troop level and do that. Fortunately, I’m actually enjoying working with this age group.

International Symbol of Scouting.

My Medical Team: To the non-judgemental support from my current medical team, I am grateful. I am now on a positive Health Care Journey. With their help, I’ve managed to improve my health . I’ve lost weight, I’ve become more fit. I’ve come off alot of medications I really did not need, and supported me through addiction, tho no one knew at the time. I know I will never be healthy enough to return to work on much more than a casual part-time basis, but I am able to live a decent life despite fibromyalgia & my 6-bilkion other health issues.

This isn’t even going through the little things I’m grateful for.. The sun on my face, The lake at the cottage. Having a car to drive.. To have a regular income. To smell the flowers.. For being able to hug people (yes, only a special few right now). For privacy. For Fun. For freedom. For Love. For painting rocks. For exercise. For healthy outdoor spaces.. & you, still reading my post!!

I’m grateful for itvall.. & to those I can thank, I thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Returning to the Gym

Here in on the east side of the Greater Toronto Area in Ontario Canada, we are moving into stage 3 of reopening tomorrow. What this means “Facilities for sports and recreational fitness activities (e.g., gyms, fitness studios)” are allowed to open. This includes my local gym, the Durham YMCA.

The following stipulations are in place by the provincial government:

• Physical distancing must be maintained, except if playing a team sport or as needed for personal training.
• The total number of people permitted in areas containing weights or exercise machines is limited to the number of people that can maintain physical distancing of at least two metres, which cannot exceed the indoor gathering limit of 50 people.
• The total number people permitted in classes or organized activities at any one time is limited to the number of people that can maintain physical distancing of at least two metres, and cannot exceed the indoor gathering limit of 50 people or the outdoor limit of 100.
• Assigned spaces are strongly recommended for organized fitness classes (e.g., by marking circles on the floor to designate where each person should exercise).
• Gathering limits do not apply in all other areas (e.g., pools, tennis courts and rinks).
• Equipment must be cleaned and disinfected between user sets or at the end of a game.
• Any washrooms, locker rooms, change rooms, showers or similar amenities made available to the public must be cleaned and disinfected frequently.
• Steam rooms and saunas are not yet permitted to open.

I have some concerns about this. Our “Plus” change room is fairly small to accommodate the extra features we pay for. There is going to be very little room to social distance.

Our additional features include the steam room and the hot tub. I’m figuring since the steam room is unavailable then so is the hot tub. But what about the pool? I guess since there are no aqua-fit classes they just allow free swim? How is that safe? Since I walk my laps in the pool instead of swimming, should I be wearing a mask?

How are they planning on running an Arriba class? The Wednesday & Thursday classes where in a half gym & there was usually 50 people in that space. Triple that in the full gym on Saturday mornings. There is no way to social distance that many people. And given the distance we move during class, we’d likely only have room for maybe 25 people so as to stay out of everyone else’s breathing space. I don’t want to be dancing in the residual saliva in the air from when the person beside me is breathing hard from exercise.

I also noticed no yoga classes. I understand not being able to run a yoga class using one of the studios due to size, but why not a class in the gymnasium. Yes, a little louder & a little brighter, but an evening class would help that.

Social distancing in the showers? There only 5-6 showers total in the Plus section.

Now, almost all the features of a plus membership restricted which includes Steam Room, Hot Tub, Private Showers, Peace and Quiet-no kids, Lounging Area, Personal Hygiene Products & Towel Service. Without most of this, do you think we’d get a price break until it opens back up? Good God no. In fact, they cancelled the pilot program I was in so my membership is going to go up by about $20

Honestly, I’m not entirely sure I am comfortable going back to the gym quite yet. Being at higher risk makes me hesitate, especially when new cases reported are climbing back up towards 200.

What are your thoughts on going back to the gym?

My Weight Loss Journey

I’ve always been a bit on the bigger side, a little chubby… I was 120lbs starting junior high, finished high school at 180lb, spent my 20s near 220-230lb.. About 15 years ago, I joined weight watchers with my mom and my weight had maxed out at 275lb. I lost almost 60lb on that program. But after that, my lifestyle completely changed and it turns out, not in a good way. So finally about 8-10 years ago, I stepped on the scale weighing a whopping 303lb.

I did not like that number, but wasn’t really in a position to do much about it. Between finances & available services & programs there’s not much I could do. So I started just eating less.. In the summer, we would walk over to the community pool and I would swim – not laps really, but just treading water.. it took a few years, but I lost about 25 lb in 4-5 years with that schedule. Very slow progress, but progress nonetheless.

At that point I moved out of the city, back near my family. My rent included membership to the local YMCA gym. I didn’t figure I’d be using the actual gym much, but I knew I’d use the hot tub. So, I used the hot tub 5-6 days of the week. I then started doing a yoga class at the gym for about a year until the instructor switched times. Then about 2 years ago,, my mom invited me to join her aquafit class..I started doing not much more than bouncing around in the water. But it was fun, so I kept coming back..

At this same time, my eating habits got better. While I still ate junk food, it was less often, and I was eating at least one good healthy & nutritious meal a day. That’s much better than before where fast food was the norm and serving sizes were twice what they shood be.

In the Aquafit, I was slowly working with increased intensity in the class… I started going to a second class later in the week. . The weight started coming off faster.

I tried to add jogging into the mix, but I just couldn’t get into it mentally, not on the ground and my lungs could not handle the cardio What I did do, I would run laps in the water. This worked the muscles but the cardio wasn’t as strong as I was unable to keep my breath while jogging .

I was improving. My health was getting better, pain levels went down (no, not gone, unfortunately), and my clothing started to get looser and looser.

I had items in a size 26 in my closet. I was swimming in those.most of my clothing was a 3X.. and I started to swim in those.

I feel better.. I feel healthier and happier. I actually feel like myself again.

Where do I stand now? I am a size 16, currently weighing in at 207lb, as of my last weigh in. a total loss of 97 lb so far.

Final goal? 180lb.

What do I do?

For my fibromyalgia, I currently take the following Medications/supplements

• Multi-vitamin – Naturapathy Dr does not recommend Centrum or most pharmacy brand multi’s
• Calcium & Magnesium with vitamin D – Calcium cuz Women with Endo are more susceptible to Osteoporosis. Mg & D to help absorb the Calcium. The Magnesium also to help with muscle spasms & charlie horses. I have found that it has helped.
• Fish oils – Generic fish oils, minimum 1000mg a day .. Well, I try to. Naturapathy Dr recommended 1000mg-3000mg daily of the EPA+DHA to help with mental acuity. I’m still waiting for the fog to lift, but I’m not usually getting enough to impact because I fog up & forget.. Lovely catch 22 there.
• B complex to help with stress and ensure that I get enough B’s. No, I don’t take a stress formula. Just a normal B complex.. either 50mg or 100mg
• Codeine Contin for maintenance pain.
• Tylenol #3 for breakthrough pain
• Oxycodone for severe breakthrough pain
• Flexeril (Cyclobenzaprine) as a muscle relaxer. I find it better than anything OTC..
• Probiotics to help regulate my digestive track – it works, ‘cept when I have an IBS flare or food sensitivity
• NSAID, but it’s for my Endometriosis, so I don’t really know if it does impact my FMS or not.

For my fibromyalgia, I currently participate in the following exercise:

• Aqua-fit, really carefully – I’m just getting back into exercise, so I am trying to get to the gentle classes. My local YMCA gym has a class or arthritics and for osteoporosis. Aqua-fit is a good choice because of the buoyancy of the water, it doesn’t impact my knees, and it’s a gentle cardio
• Seriously, right now that’s it. I need access to a hot tub to do further exercise to keep my body warm.

For my fibromyalgia, I intend to return to the following exercises:

• Yoga with the hot tub – Yoga provides gentle stretching while working on core strength and balance. The hot tub helps to keep muscles relaxed afterward.
• Keeping up with Aqua-fit – see above 🙂
• Walking the track to music with the hot tub – I got into walking when my nieces were born, walking with my sister. After I joined the Y and my nephew was born, I would take him in his stroller to walk him around the track. He’s too old now, but I have found it enjoyable with my MP3 player (or CD player back then). I sometimes dance a little bit and my pace changes with the music I’m listening to. It’s hard to overexert myself. 🙂 The hot tub helps to keep muscles relaxed afterward.

A benefit from the exercise is that I tend to be tired out afterward and relaxed. This makes evening workouts ideal in that I go home, go straight to bed and will sleep well, with a decent amount of healing rest. This improves me, physically, emotionally and mentally for the next day.

For my fibromyalgia. my spiritual side is limited. I don’t go to church often, however I do find solace in my home church’s sanctuary. I’ve moved away from my home church and have yet to try out the sanctuary here. I also find the same ‘state of grace’ from music, especially my churchy music 🙂

For my fibromyalgia, because of my physical limitation, I am limited socially. Most of my social interaction is via the internet on Twitter, Facebook, Email, etc.. The alternative to that in real life is with my SO and his friends. Most of my friends no longer talk to me, or are too far away for more than email. The classes as the Y present a new socialization source, which I hope to be helpful. With the improvement of my health I would like to return to scouting in some sort of part-time or limited capacity.

For my fibromyalgia and my cognitive abilities, I am starting this blog. It will help keep me thinking and requires research. It also provides a creative outlet. I also enjoy doing word searches and have, on recommendation on my therapist, started to colour and have other crafts options available to me.

For my fibromyalgia and an emotional aspect, I have a councilor and have been placed on anti-depressants. While my time with her is limited I do find that I feel better after I speak with her. Additionally I have the support with my SO. While sometimes he can not understand and becomes frustrated, I know he only has best intentions where I am concerned.

How do I cope? Not well. Other than the limited exercise mentioned above, the odd screaming match and the rarer still church visit, I have no real outlets.. Which sucks. Before I got sick, my outlets for frustration and anger and stress were physical. With the fibro, I have lost that. Any suggestions are welcome 🙂