Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

New Level of Weight Loss

December 3, 2021

In the Winter of 2012, I stepped on the scale at my pain physician’s office, CPM Scarborough and was flabbergasted when the number came up. 303.6. I was absolutely horrified.

From there I started to eat less and to get moving more and slowly over the years, the weight has slowly and consistently, bar some plateaus, come off..

While my regular pain physician is no longer in that office, I do, in the winter, see her colleague in that Scarborough location This Wednesday I stepped on that same scale that years ago said 303.6.

It read 189.2.

Do you know what that means? As it is the same scale, it means I have lost 114½ pounds so far.

Do you know what else that means? I’m at high school weight. No just able to fit in high school clothes, but the actual numbers?! I’ve not been this light since I graduated highschool. At the end of Grade 13 I was 191lb. So I am about the same weight I was in my highschool graduations pictures .

I’m the same weight, give or take, in these 2 pictures..

Ended

December 2, 2021

I apologize for missing my last post. Things were finally discussed and the solution is for me to step back.. So he & I are no longer “involved”, right now.. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that I expected this to be a potentially temporary situation. It he & I get to a better places, then maybe the intimacy can resume.

So, right now we are back to friends. Maybe I can handle it & we just remain good friends. Maybe I can’t handle & completely move away from any relationship.. Maybe things work out & we get back together.. Maybe I find someone else and I move on..

We will see.


Please be advised, I may, or may not be posting as regular as normal over the next few weeks .

Flaring! Flaring bad!

November 23, 2021

Yesterday was the perfect storm. Everything conspired against me.

  1. Poor Sleep. According to my fitbit, for the last several weeks, I’ve been getting usually between 4 & 6 hours of sleep a night, average rating poor-fair. There’s the occasional longer, better sleep in there, but not often..
  2. Forgotten Medication. When I left for the cottage early this morning, I forgot all my meds at home. Admittedly I didn’t need them all today, but there are certain ones that I do have to take at certain times for them to be effective. Unfortunately, those got left at home. I did have limited or weaker alternatives which I suppose is better than nothing.
  3. Emotional Stress. I am currently having problems with my current relationship. I’m not sure if it’s something I can handle and accept or not, so there’s alot going on there..
  4. Poor Diet. Due to the aforementioned stress, I haven’t been eating.. I haven’t been eating well & I haven’t been eating much. Neither is good, both is worse.
  5. Activity. Spent the day in bed.. with my boyfriend, not sleeping. While this is usually a good thing, due to stress, I was unable to truely relax and enjoy it. So I was getting the workout without all the longer term benefits
  6. Physical Stress. After I’d started going down hill, I had a horrible drive home. What would normally be a nice relaxing 1½ hour drive home from the cottage turned into a 3+hour nightmare. Between accidents causing an entire highway to shut down for over 14hrs, excessive detours, multiple accidents on said detours, snow.. The body begins to tense up more & more & more.. and with me being in the car I wasn’t able to like stretch or anything creating more physical stress

For the first time in over 3 years, my pain turned to a solid 8/10.

After 2+ hours, 4 Tylenol3, 4 muscle relaxers, an anti-inflammatory, my CBD oil, prescription edibles, and a backrub with A535.. the edge started to come off, but I also started feeling the effects of over medication too..

I just can’t win..

Relationships

November 18, 2021

This is a very personal topic & I know some will be ticked off to hear of my relationship status . While this post does touch on the topic of polyamory, every negative comment will me removed. Immediately. So if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all…


I am in an open relationship. I have one partner, however, he has recent started another relationship and I’ve been having alot of problems processing.. So for the last month I’ve been living with my stomach in knots

Part of the issue is super poor communication. But part of it appears to be mental health.

After I left Rob, I had alot & I mean alot of councilling.. Probably for close to a year when I started to feel comfortable in my own skin again..

It seems that there is one area that we did not touch upon and that is my self-esteem and self worth issues in regards to personal, intimate relationships.

Previous relationships since Rob have been superficial at best. I’ve seen several guys in the last few years, but one has stuck. I’ve known him since April 2018 and we’ve become super close. He and I, before he met his other partner, we just starting to get serious. Just bad timing on that I think.

Over the last month there has been very poor communication. Part of that is poor communication skills and part of it is him not understanding his feelings quite yet.. and because of that he was unable to express himself well..

We’ve had many conversations over the last month’s & every time we talk I think we’ve established where we are and then something gets said and I spiral down.. and considering how strong I feel for him I went down and down hard & few times. I’ve ended things with him 3 times this month but I guess I I’m a glutton for punishment because the same thing happened four weeks in a row.

Over the last few days we’ve been able to meet in person and finally have a truly open and honest conversation. I told him where I stand emotionally…

So as it stands he is emotionally committed to both of us and wishes to focus on his new relationship but has realized that he can’t start neglecting me or stop communicating with me or work on our relationship.

He has a relationship with her and he has a relationship with me.. Those relationships don’t have to cross or compete.. that’s part of my own issue of perception but we’ve apparently both felt this and because he wasn’t communicating the same thing to both of us.. So he is going to continue working on his relationship with her but at this time same time he is going to continue working on his relationship with me.

COVID Immunity

November 9, 2021

I posted before I received two different vaccines. My initial vaccine was the AstraZeneca which landed me on my ass and the second was Pfizer which didn’t do anything.

I was told by my doctors that because of the extreme reaction to the vaccine that I would have a higher immunity rate than someone who did not.

My COVID Vaccines

The AstroZeneca is a viral vector-based vaccine. As I understand it, when it is delivered to the body through a virus such as a common cold virus the body fights the virus but also the vector in the virus creating your immune response and the antibodies against covid-19. The Pfizer is a messenger RNA vaccine. This means mRNA created in a laboratory when injected, teaches our cells how to make the protein that triggers an immune response producing antibodies

2 months later when I got my second shot, Pfizer, I was told, again by my doctors that because they are two different vaccines that work and approach the problem differently that I likely have a higher immunity.. CDC says the infection rate of those fully vaccinated is 0.0002%.. So apparently, my chances of getting covid are even lower.

Stress Impacts the Body

November 5, 2021

You all know stress impacts the human body. No one knows this more than people with Fibromyalgia. Part of our issue is that our muscles cannot relax because of the pain signals we are receiving at all times. Add stress to that, with most common physical reaction to stress is muscle tension. So adding tension to an already agitated muscle makes for a disaster.

No one knows yet 100% of the cause of Fibro. If it’s actually a physiological issue or if it’s a neurological reaction? Either way, the addition of the tension to the already agitated muscle, skyrockets the pain, with definite real pain.. Not just a neurological misfire that we could potentially be having.

And before anyone says I’m minimizing pain, I am not. People with fibromyalgia feel pain every single day. – it’s the cause we don’t know. We don’t know if the cause is something physical in the muscles, we don’t know if it’s part of the nerve chain or even something in the brain. We.just don’t know And as many of you know, I’m in a remission with my Fibro. I still feel pain, but I’m better managed and had made alot of changes a few years back. As a result, my pain levels rarely rate over a 5 – right now. I have, in the past, been bed bound. So I’ve been at both ends of the spectrum. I am the last person to downplay anyone’s pain let alone someone with Fibromyalgia.

But back to stress… I’ve been dealing with some pretty intense issues lately.. The big 2: 1. Problems with my Mom & our relationship.. 2. Issues with the guy I’m seeing – relationship may be ending. And I don’t think either one reads this blog. Those are the big ones but there is always in additional normal day to day stresses..

So….. On Monday night I had a breakdown. A complete emotional & mental breakdown (this does not include the meltdown I had earlier that day). I was in such hysterics that at times I could barely breathe.. You also don’t want to see what my kitchen looks like, cuz it all hit me as I was cooking stir-fry, which means three pots on the stove, each carefully times so everything finished hot at the same time. Interestingly enough I could feel myself deteriorating and the rice was pretty much done, the meat was pretty much done and the vegetables were almost done so I took the presence of mind to grab storage containers and just put everything in the fridge because there was no way I was going to be able to eat it and I have no family to feed. But I didn’t give myself enough leeway and ended up destroying the contents of the shelves with the storage containers.. Apparently I have a decent arm because I found, after the fact, empty storage containers or lids in my dining area, my office area, one almost in the living room and also my bedroom.

I ended up calling the local mental health line & spoke with a gentleman named Craig who listened & offered support..Initially, my mind had been racing with a lot of dark negative thoughts.. But I finally got calmed down enough after over an hour of venting. & I was no longer in that dark and twisted headspace.

I woke up Tuesday morning physically & emotionally wiped. Unfortunately this was one of the days that I just can’t say no. I had to drop my mom off at her doctor’s appointments because she no longer drives. I still also had to finish prepping my Cub Scout meeting.. Which meant I also had to run my Cub Scout meeting because this week got dropped in my lap on Sunday. The meeting went well and I was able to get out of my head for almost 2 hours not thinking about those big two issues. By the time I got home in the evening after my meeting, I stripped down, showered, got extra medicated and watched some mindless TV. That’s all my body would let me do – I pretty much hit the wall. Oh & eat some of the stir fry from the night before – lol.

And this excessive physical reaction is 100% due to stress exasperating the Fibromyalgia and some of my ppother chronic pain issues.

Sensitivity

October 8, 2021

In doing a bit of research about chronic illness and the story “The Princess and the Pea” I found an article written by a woman talking about her sensitivities. One of them being being able to feel the pain but the other or another is being an empath and being sensitive to stuff around her.

Being an Empath: My first year in New York, I saw a therapist who worked out of her apartment. I’d visited her there many times. One day, I walked in, and the moment I crossed the threshold, I stopped dead in my tracks. Something was different. My eyes scanned the apartment looking for what had changed, and as someone who was called the princess and the pea for being persnickety and whatnot, I was very familiar with the precise placement of everything in that area of her apartment. But as I looked around, I realized that nothing had moved, yet I could feel an immense change in the space. My eyes continued to search for the cause, but they never found it. What’s wrong? my therapist asked. Something’s different. I can’t figure out what it is. She gasped a bit, and she told me: I didn’t move anything, but I decided to move, and this week I began emotionally disconnecting from the space. You must be able to feel it.I’d certainly felt something. It’d hit me like a thud. Perhaps her emotional connection had previously imbued the space with a particular energy? Who knows, but since that time four years ago, I’ve increasingly worked to harness the power of my sensitivity. The same sensitivity that drew me to choose my Grandpa’s high school yearbook from hundreds of books in a used bookstore. The sensitivity that warned me when something was wrong with one friend and told me when another friend would find a home. The sensitivity that allowed me to feel the mountains in the middle of New York City. And the sensitivity that allowed me to smell faulty wiring in the half bath of my parents’ home and sense its danger and beg my mom to call the firemen. It’s a good thing you called, they said, this would have started a fire at any moment.It’s really this sensitivity

Now given what she posted, I have to say I’ve had brushes to the other side myself… The most noticeable was the premonition I had..

My Premonition: In the Spring of 2001 I was living in Williston North Dakota, and commuting to work in Watford City.. One day on my way to work, I suddenly had a very strong and impactful image hit me while I was driving, so I had to pull over.. It was about my bff.. She and another friend were driving some place. My bff can’t drive, so she was in the passenger side. What the premonition showed me was the two of them getting into a bad accident. The other car made contact on the Driver’s side, throwing the friend clear. Their car however was propelled around a street lamp, causing my bff to die instantly. Needless to say, I stayed pulled over for about an hour, blubbering my eyes out. Intellectually, I know it wasn’t real, but it felt *so* real that I could not help having an appropriate emotional response..

What happened? In February of 2002, the unthinkable did happen. While not the exact same as my previous vision, it was still true. There was just one big change : It was not my bff & her friend, but my sister & her partner (she was a cop).. however the other facts were the same: getting hit in the driver’s side, the vehicle being spun, her partner in the driver’s seat getting thrown the vehicle wrapping around a tree instantly killing her.

While this is not the only time I’ve had this sort of thing happen, it was the biggest, the most noticeable and the most important one I’ve had.

Has anyone else had experiences like this?

Stupidity at the Mall

September 10, 2021

Warning – 100% Venting!

Earlier this week, I was having a big craving for Greek food but I did not want to pay an arm or a leg for it either. That means Jimmy the Greek..

So I had to go into the food court at the local mall.. This is the first time I’ve been since before covid. So I wasn’t sure what to expect but fortunately the food court is off an entrance.

So when I walk in the first thing I noticed is the number of people. It looked to be at normal pre-covid occupancy.. mind you the West plastic up everywhere, barriers in place so you can’t just cut through the seating section and tape and arrows and direction on the ground. I thought that this was a good sign except that I noticed people were not necessarily following the mall’s guidelines.

Fortunately, Jimmy the Greek is the third fast food retailer in the food court so I didn’t have to go around a lot of people. That still doesn’t stop stupidity.

As I’m walking through I am trying significantly hard to try to social distance from other people. Yes I was wearing my mask, but still…

When I get to the restaurant there are two people at the counter getting their food and three people in line waiting to place their orders. They are actually physically in line like they would have been 2 years ago, one right behind the other – maybe 2 feet apart.. They should be in line on the lineup tape/signs that was taped on the ground so that nobody was within two meters (6ft) of each other to ensure safety. Now each retailer has this. But apparently I’m the only one who knows how to use it.

So when it was clear and the girl called me up.. As I’m stepping forward this guy with his kids come barreling through, not only does he come close to me but also almost runs into me! What the Hell?!?!

So, I went up and place my order. There were still people ahead of me but the closest was 2 meters and the other was 4 m away from me. All good. Except the lady behind me beside me was waiting longer for her meal and then added to her meal. So she was taking significantly longer and I went around her to go pay for my meal which was being put at the cash.

And what does the psycho do but go back to the end of the countertop where the cashier is even though she doesn’t have her food yet. So I have to come scrambling back to get out of her way cuz she just came right at me.

The only reason why this chick got out of the way is because of the staff told her to so that I can pay.. Oh. My. God. How can you beat that oblivious??

So I pay for my meal. I turn around and look down at the floor trying to find direction on which way to go. There are, at that point, no visible signs that I could see telling me which direction to go. So I head back the way I came and just as I’m getting to the end of the restaurants I finally see a sign telling me which way to go and I find out I’m going the wrong bloody way.. *sigh*

Needless to say, I’m not likely to be going to the mall again anytime soon.


BTW, does anyone else wear their mask while going through the drive-thru or getting curbside pickup that gets handed to you?

Happy Birthday To Me!

August 27, 2021
Happy 48th!

Its not often my blog post day & my birthday happen on the same day!

“STOP” – Doctor’s Orders

August 20, 2021

So I was camping on the weekend with a gentleman friend and one night our mattress deflated so needless to say I didn’t get a good night’s sleep that night. As a result pain levels are up. But pain levels were also up a week prior and the week prior to that.

As many of you know I am a cub scout leader. Between my two groups I have six senior Cubs, called Howlers, who are going up to Scouts in September. Five of these boys are getting the Cub top section award..

2 months ago, when we finally got permission to Camp hello I suggested to Raksha that would take all the senior Cubs and take them on a camp, teaching them how to do a scout camp. Well Raksha is also currently a scout leader, but she has not done a scout section camp because of restrictions due to covid. But I have several years of troop level camping under my belt so I know what they should and should not be doing…

On of my Howler at day camp a few weeks back.

About a month ago, the Scouts and venturers expressed an interest in camping so I’m not sure how it happened but suddenly my howler Camp became a Howler / Scout / Vent camp. While I was annoyed about it kind of getting taken over from the original intent I figured that the existing older Scouts can teach the Howlers how to Camp as Scouts..

i was actually looking forward to camping with the kids.

What does one have to do with my doctor? Everything.

When my pain was creeping up, I wasn’t doing anything to rest. After spiking again last weekend, I had an appointment with my pain physician, a regularly scheduled appointment. She reviewed my comments & my paperwork and we had a discussion She said that I was overdoing it & if I kept pushing I was going to significantly hurt myself, possibly slamming right out of my semi-remission. So, she said “No, you are not to go camping”.

Well, she was right.. I kept my activity level up to help finish prepping for camp.. & today, I’m done.

I could not even help shift a canoe last night. Not lift, just shift. & Today I woke in active fibromyalgia pain. My leggs were killing me.

No! Stop!! Do not Camp. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200

So my Doctor said no, & I’m glad she did!