Archive for the ‘Personal’ Category

Being Alone Sucks

May 20, 2022

I was in a 10 year, give or take, relationship that turned into hell. I left 6 years ago this month..

I moved back to Oshawa. I lost a bunch of weight, I’ve gotten healthier (yes, I still have 6 million medical issues), I’ve reconnected (or thought I had) with old friends, I’ve had two ‘relationships that haven’t really been much more that glorified Friends with Benefits.

So physically, I’m better off but emotionally.. I still feel like shit.

I want to have someone in my life, Someone who is mine. Someone who I can call when I’m having a crappy day & we can talk.. Someone who wants to just hang out, talk & cuddle.. Someone who, honestly, I can say ‘Wanna f**k?’ to who won’t turn me down flat cuz it’s inconvenient for him.

I want something real – not this crap I’m finding over the internet. They are compatible 100% in one aspect but a complete no go in another areas.. Or I find someone who is match in that area & falls significantly short in another area.

I want someone who wants me for me, warts & all. Who matches intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually on a compatible maturity level.. Is that really too hard to ask for?

Allodynia

April 8, 2022

Allodynia is a type of pain that many of us with Fibromyalgia have. It is basically a extreme sensitively to touch. People with this can have extraordinary pain from simple every day contact like combing one’s hair.

My Allodynia

I don’t know if my situation is unique, but mine seems come and go, and it can vary depending on the amount of pressure.

Some days I’m golden. I have zero issues. Other days, I will shed a hair from my head and when it falls on to my unsuspecting arm I am in excruciating pain. Other times I with just come in light contact with something and the pain is agonizing, but I can have firm contact like a hug and there’s nothing. I don’t get it.

There appears to be no rhyme or reason as to which circumstances will crop up on any given day. Fortunately, it does not change from one to another on the fly. I’m more likely to switch from one to another on different days. So on one day I’m good, but the next day it hurts to brush my hair or even my teeth (yes, it can impact my gums).

I have found that the most noticable instigator of this type of pain is from a hair touching my skin, either stopping, caught on hard or leg hair, or feeling it as the single hair strand bounces on my skin as it falls. Because of this, I tend to brush or comb my hair fairly frequently. My sister was surprised when I mentioned that I will brush my hair several times a day, vs the once or twice she brushes her hair. I also tend to pull my hair back or up to prevent loose hairs from falling.

The other way it frequently hurts is a casual touch. A light hand on the shoulder. Someone brushing by me. My mom no longer touches me because of the number of times I have flinched unless I have asked her to, like rubbing A535 into my back. My sister is the same. My neices & nephew tend to forget. My intimate relationships don’t seem to be impacted as much cuz those touches tend to be more firm.

The hardest part is incidental touches by others who don’t know me as well. I am a leader in scouting. I’ve had youth come and touch my shoulder from behind so I’m in prepared, or a hug from a child who forgets they aren’t allowed to touch without consent.

There are also times when I know to expect contact. A perfect example is another scouting situation. As the ‘head’ leader (usually called Akela, but the Scouts named me Koolaid before I went to Cubs) I do opening & closing. This includes the challenge. I yell “Pack! .. Pack Pack Pack!” and the youth come running to challenge me, as I am the head wolf (hence wolf cubs). They come to a tight circle around me, but every meeting someone will run too far or have a hand out or jostle with another youth & contact is made Because I know it’s likely coming from somewhere, I can prepare for it and it’s less of an issue.

Lately, it doesn’t seem to be as much of an issue as it has been in the past. I don’t know why. Is it the improvement in my overall health? Is it my weight-loss? Is it than my activity level has changed? Is it that my pain levels had dropped? Is it a change in medications? I have no clue.

if you experience this condition, how does it impact you?

Pain Is Up!

March 29, 2022

i had originally scheduled a different post with the same title.. One that should have posted in December, but some of it isn’t relevant anymore, and I’m in a different place, so I am changing it..

Why? Cuz for the first time in years my pain is at a 7/10.. Keep in mind, I picture 20/10 to be the equivalent of having my limbs cut off with a full chainsaw without the benefit of anesthesia or passing out from the pain.

Whats making it worse, is I had an epidural a few weeks back, so my lower back & my pain due to Osteoarthritis is pretty much non-existent. That means, I have fibro pain & *just* fibro pain at a 7/10. Normally when I hit a 7, it’s a combo of fibro & OA. When that happens, if I can dull out the OA pain, I can deal with the fibro.

Pain Scale 7-8/10
Pain Scale 7/10

So, its *all* fibro pain & last night I was almost in tears, even with extra (Double) muscle relaxers & narcotics – even a good chunk of alcohol. So there’s not much more that can be done for it, and *nothing* they will do in Emerg to help. They won’t given me any meds stronger than what I am on. Narcotics or a muscle relaxer.

When I do visit the ER, I typically get a toradol shot & a Xanax. Tonight that won’t do anything to help.

The only good thing is that I see my pain doc. Honestly, not sure my shots are even going to help I expect she’s going to recommend a lidocaine infusion, the one treatment I’ve not tried. I think I’m going to say yes this time.

Why so much pain?

Simple, if you read my previous post about CBD, you’ll know my GP thinks it’s my medical marijuana. So I’ve been off the MMJ since February 17th. While not as bad, I’m still nauseated and I am still throwing up. I’ve been on this medication for about 4 years now & it was a huge help getting me off fentanyl..

Due to the extreme bruising, he, my GP, also yanked me off the arthrotec, an anti-inflammatory, a few weeks before that. But I still bruising.. I have been on this medication for decades, since my mid 20s…

So I’ve lost two of my treatments that were helping my fibro, but do not seem to be resolving the problems I took to him.

As a result my pain has been slowly creaping up & I’m experiencing allodynia again. Basically, it is a sensitivity to touch. See next week’s post for more about this & how it’s been impacting me..

The Problem with CDB

March 22, 2022

Cannabinoid Hyperemesis Syndrome

Huh? What’s that?

This is a newly (2006) discovered condition the occurs in daily long-term users of marijuana. I’ve been taking CBD & THC products under the supervision of my pain physician for several years now, so that puts me in the regular long term user category.

Basically, it leads to repeated and severe bouts of vomiting. And that started on an infrequent basis for me in January 2021. Very irregular, maybe once a month I’d spend the day hanging out in the bathroom. Nothing stays down, not simple/ dry food like rice or crackers. Even ginger ale, & water would come back up. Sometimes it would get so bad I’d have nothing left to lose and it’s just stomach acid coming up. I have even parked myself in the bathroom waiting for the next bout & then started walking around with a bucket.

Hanging out with the porcelain god

I went up at the cottage last month, got home on February 10th, and that’s when it started. I know it wasn’t food poisoning cuz my cottage mate wasn’t sick either. Plus, it basically hasn’t stopped.

I even ended up in the hospital after three days straight of *nothing” staying down. Regular Gravol doesn’t work on it either, even the ginger stuff.

But now, I’ve been off my MMJ products since February 17th, so a full 4 weeks now & I’m still nauseous almost everyday and I’m losing my stomach contents still on a regular basis.

I finally convinced my doctor that it may not be the CBD and THC products that’s causing this. He gave me a referral to it so just a clinic and I have a scope scheduled in April.

I really hope they can figure this out.

Greetings – update.

February 19, 2022

i know it’s been a while since I’ve posted.. alot’s been going on.. Dealing with mental health and multiple physical health issues . Add, I think, perimenopause.. hot flashes & chills suck..

So big news : current weight loss 129.9 lb. I also got my first two rewards for weight loss.. when they heal, I will share..

I will endeavour to post more in the future..

Things Got Better

December 21, 2021

Since my last post, the new nurse Christine was able to get my meds to where they were supposed to be for the most part. I will be eternally grateful for that.

Unfortunately, real damage was done in the way of pain.. Fortunately, I do see Dr Sith tomorrow.

But the brightest moment of this 72-hour hold was today at about 6 in the evening when I heard a voice. It was a woman’s voice. She had a Jamaican lilt to her voice. I placed her immediately as being *my* psychiatrist I walk towards her voice and she was in a room talking with a patient but she looked up at me and despite the mask and my weight loss she recognized me immediately and then saw a surprise on her face.

But she’s my doctor and I’ve been in her practice for almost 5 years. She is familiar with what’s going on with me and my history so I was super comfortable at that point. I took a deep breath and was able to relax.

A half an hour later, she and the nurse came down to my room and we discussed what caused me to come into the ER.. She wanted to know how I got to the ER.. We talked about how I was feeling and feeling out my.state of mind.. She asked me why I was so animate about leaving as soon as the hold was up.. She reacquainted herself with my home situation.. We discussed my weight loss – cuz it has been 2 years since she’s seen me & I’m definitely smaller. She asked me what I thought she could help with..

Apparently, she liked what she heard and she discharged me. WITH a meds change, which is really all I wanted.. That and to actually have an appointment set up with her which got done earlier as well. 🙂

Am I still pissed about how things went down?? Definitely. Am I happy with the final result? Absolutely!

Crash & burn & burn some more.

December 19, 2021

I went to Lakeridge Health to get help on Friday. But for the most part I’ve been screwed.

It’s Sunday & other than a 15-20 minute chat with the doc in the ER, I’ve seen no physician. The on call shrink who prescribed my meds has completely screwed me over I missed THREE doses of my antidepressant – which given that I’m here for mental health is excruciatingly bad. Finally back on as of this morning I was given a muscle relaxer & a Tylenol three on Friday in the ex for my fibro and that’s it.. nothing since.. but she did prescribed a Parkinson’s med for muscle spasms – huh? So my pain is skyrocketing… & It’s not freaking muscle spasms. & Have not been given any arthrotec (antiinflammatory) that I also take.. You should see my ankle from hurting it almost 2 weeks ago.. it’s exploded cuz I’m not treating the swelling

I have finally gotten the last nurse on the last shift to finally reach out to the doc to get something prescribed & his replacement is actually being more diligent & she has followed up twice now..

Then add to that my sleep.. while long, there was very little deep or REM sleep, so not much healing sleep here either

But God. This is the worst experience. Worse than being sent back home with my ex after a major OD (my ex was why I’d OD’d).


I dont know if I’m going to be able to get my shopping done for Christmas, let alone my baking.


This is supposed to be helping me It’s not. It’s making me worse

A Time Out

December 10, 2021

Alot has been going on personally which is severely impacting my health. I have to cut back, temporarily on some things.

Temporarily M I A

In addition to my blog which is already behind anyways, most of my social media will be going darkish, or at least not active. I’m hoping this only will last a few days. If not I will at least be checking in.

Until then, are there any topics you would like me to touch on?

New Level of Weight Loss

December 3, 2021

In the Winter of 2012, I stepped on the scale at my pain physician’s office, CPM Scarborough and was flabbergasted when the number came up. 303.6. I was absolutely horrified.

From there I started to eat less and to get moving more and slowly over the years, the weight has slowly and consistently, bar some plateaus, come off..

While my regular pain physician is no longer in that office, I do, in the winter, see her colleague in that Scarborough location This Wednesday I stepped on that same scale that years ago said 303.6.

It read 189.2.

Do you know what that means? As it is the same scale, it means I have lost 114½ pounds so far.

Do you know what else that means? I’m at high school weight. No just able to fit in high school clothes, but the actual numbers?! I’ve not been this light since I graduated highschool. At the end of Grade 13 I was 191lb. So I am about the same weight I was in my highschool graduations pictures .

I’m the same weight, give or take, in these 2 pictures..

Ended

December 2, 2021

I apologize for missing my last post. Things were finally discussed and the solution is for me to step back.. So he & I are no longer “involved”, right now.. Apparently, I didn’t make it clear that I expected this to be a potentially temporary situation. It he & I get to a better places, then maybe the intimacy can resume.

So, right now we are back to friends. Maybe I can handle it & we just remain good friends. Maybe I can’t handle & completely move away from any relationship.. Maybe things work out & we get back together.. Maybe I find someone else and I move on..

We will see.


Please be advised, I may, or may not be posting as regular as normal over the next few weeks .